When you’re a 50-year-old former construction worker with nothing better to do, what’s the best way to spend your time? Become a beacon of hope for overweight weekend warriors by hunting down Osama Bin Laden, of course. The aging Al-Queda terrorist leader has a new worst enemy bent on civil justice and his name is Gary Faulkner. You can laugh at his attempt at capturing one of the most wanted figures in recent world history all by himself, but don’t you dare laugh at his night vision goggles.
Though his weapons are deadly, his motives are not. Faulker just wants to capture Bin Laden so he can be tried for his war crimes. Maybe when he has Osama in his custody they can share a dialysis machine on their way back to America to treat both of their debilitating kidney ailments.
Gary Faulkner said Monday on CBS’ “Early Show” that he got help and inspiration from Americans, Pakistanis and others worldwide. He alluded to being helped in his search by the Pakistani government.
The out-of-work construction worker from Colorado was detained June 13 in the woods of northern Pakistan after being found with a pistol, a sword and night-vision equipment. Faulkner told officials he was out to kill the al-Qaida leader. -Mail.com
I can see where this guy’s coming from. He’s an unemployed 50-year-old with kidney problems who’s on the brink of retirement, why not go out doing something awesome like sneaking onto a Soviet space shuttle (the Russians are still the bad guys, right?) bound for the moon then, as they’re attempting to replace our precious American flag with a fabric of communism, you sneak out with a makeshift astronaut suit and stab them with the moon shank you made out of tin foil and remnants of that weird space-toilet, then carve out U-S-A in the moon’s face for all the world to see for eternity. I’d also leave a pair of my underwear.
What was I getting at again? Oh yeah, the best case scenario is he somehow gets past the security detail surrounding Osama, captures him, and receives a multi-million movie deal involving Robert Redford. The worst is he gets killed by terrorists and everybody remembers him as that patriot who thought a sword would still be useful in 2010.
Faulkner, who was indeed caught by Pakistani officers, had some interesting things to say on CBS’ Early Show after he was sent back to the United States by Pakistan.
“I don’t do a job and plan to get caught,” he boasted. “No excuses. Chicken isn’t nothing but a bird, and God hates a coward.” -NY Daily News
I have no idea what that chicken quote is about, but it is probably extremely wise and way over my head because that guy is much cooler than me. You know, if more seniors decide to follow in Faulkner’s footsteps and head out to the mountains of Afghanistan to hunt down terrorists it just might cure America’s social security problem.