kobelol

Tonight is the Yom Kippur of the NBA season, because at 9 PM EST, the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers will play one last game to settle the NBA Championship. Boston in the Finals means one thing: insufferable douche bags. And it just wouldn’t be a Game 7 if the most insufferable of all douche bags didn’t put in his two cents. Gimmie what ya got, Dane Cook.

“I heard Phil Jackson said the Celtics are a team that loses in the fourth quarter. Well, the Lakers are gonna be a team that loses the championship.” –NBA Off Season

You really showed him, Dane. Please, go back to jumping around like a jackass instead of writing actual material. Speaking of jackasses, Laker fans refuse to let Bostonians one-up their douche-baggery. Various high-ranking LA government officials have already issued a statement to the Detroit LA ‘faithful’, who have been known to have a penchant for destruction.

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa urged Angelenos to celebrate responsibly, peacefully and respectfully at a 4:30 p.m. press conference. “If you don’t have a ticket for game 7, we encourge you to save this time with family or friends,” he said. “Let’s be safe tomorrow, let’s go Lakers.”

“This is a great time for Los Angeles,” added LAPD Chief Charlie Beck. “This is great city made even greater by this Lakers team. We need to come together as a community and recognize we do not celebrate victory by destroying the city.” –LAist

I hope the people of Los Angeles don’t read that statement, because I can’t see it doing anything but increasing the amount of destruction. At least they tried. They can take solace in the fact that LA while rioting is still safer than Philadelphia on a normal day.

If the Celtics want to cruise to a title in the Staples Center, they’ll need Rajon Rondo to strap on his loller skates roller skates and bust a move or two. He hasn’t been up to snuff in Game 7′s throughout his career.

When crunching the Celtics’ Game 7 numbers, the most glaring surprise is that Rondo has struggled, averaging just 8.7 points and 8.7 assists on 41 percent shooting. Granted, his role on the team wasn’t as big as it is now, especially two years ago. But even last season, when he had a tremendous series against Derrick Rose and the Bulls, he fell off in Game 7. After averaging 21.5 points and 11.7 assists over the first six games, he gave the Celtics just seven points and 11 assists on 2-of-8 shooting. –ESPN

And what discussion of the NBA Playoffs would be complete without talking about the officials? The NBA really pooped the bed with this crew: specifically Joey Crawford. Crawford, when not telling kids to get off his lawn, loves to throw out technical fouls at inappropriate times. You know, because he’s the alpha male out there.

Joey Crawford was the lead official in Games 1 and 5 of the Finals, and he lived up to his reputation as the NBA ref least likely to suffer a fool: his crews doled out three technicals in each game. (Rasheed Wallace, Paul Pierce and Ron Artest got nailed in Game 1. Derek Fisher, Rajon Rondo and Tony Allen earned them in Game 5.) Foster worked Game 4, when Wallace and Nate Robinson were each rung up on techs. Dan Crawford worked only Game 3 with Bill Kennedy and Bennett Salvatore in what was the series’ most controversial crew. L.A. won that game in Boston, with the Celtics racking up seven more personal fouls than the Lakers. No techs were handed out. –Fanhouse

Kendrick Perkins is a guy who picks up his share of technical fouls, but he won’t be able to do so tonight. He tore both his MCL and PCL early in Game 6 going for an offensive rebound. Perkins’ absence means that Brian Scalabrine, Rasheed Wallace, or Big Baby Davis will be in Boston’s starting lineup.

Rivers wouldn’t reveal his plan, but it’s likely that Rasheed Wallace will start in place of Perkins and that Glen Davis, along with Shelden Williams, will play extended minutes. Brian Scalabrine could also be activated.

“We’re going to need him big tomorrow,” Rivers said of Wallace. “His experience will help. We’ll just see how many minutes he can go. Him and Baby and Shelden and Scal and Marquis [Daniels], we’ll figure it out.”

Minus Perkins, the Celtics lose their key enforcer inside. While not hugely productive on offense, he’s a strong rebounder who gave Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum trouble with his physicality. –LATimes

Andrew Bynum has had to cut down on his minutes this postseason because, go figure, he’s injured. The 22 year-old has been playing through a bum knee all playoffs, needing to have his knee drained twice. Despite the injury, Phil Jackson’s motivational speaking has inspired the big fella to suit up for the season’s final game.

With Leather wouldn’t be any kind of sports media outlet if it didn’t provide it’s readers with thoughts on the game’s final outcome. Hell, if Michael Wilbon can have an opinion, so can we.

Ufford: Lakers. Home court advantage + Kendrick Perkins out means L.A.’s frontcourt will be too much to overcome. I hope. God, I can’t handle another Boston championship.

Unsilent Majority: Lakers. The Celtics will keep it close and questionable calls will be made on both ends of the court. Ultimately the Laker bench–led by Lamar Odom–comes through in support of Kobe, Pau, and co. Also Glen Davis will blubber through his post-game interview.

Punte: Lakers. Kobe scores 15 points and the media sucks him off for “leading his team to another title” while Pau Gasol squeezes stress balls with each hand.

Shakey: Lakers. Ron Artest celebrates his first NBA Championship by beating Kobe Bryant to death in the victory dog pile, yelling, “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BULLYING ME IN LAST YEAR’S PLAYOFFS!” He’ll then ask if he can take home the MVP award now that Kobe’s dead.

Walsh: Lakers. The series was decided when Kendrick Perkins went down; his absence will allow the Lakers to use their size to dominate the rebounding battle. Kobe, Pau, and playing away from the smuggy confines of the TD Garden will be too much to overcome for Boston. ESPN sucks Kobe’s balls, Ron Ron drinks a lot of Henny, and Phil gets a ring for the pinky toe as a coach.