phil

Only days after the Chicago Bulls used super ultra secret back alley black market telepathic methods to beg Phil Jackson to return and save the franchise, the Zen Master has declined, telling reporters before last night’s Game 5 loss to Phoenix that he will not, under any circumstance, return to coaching the Bulls. Added everyone on the planet with an IQ above 6: “Unless they find a way to clone Michael Jordan circa 1990.”

And the news doesn’t get better for the Bulls, as their other top choice, Celtics assistant Tom Thibodeau, has been offered the New Orleans Hornets head coaching gig. Thibodeau will wait to hear the Bulls’ offer, but as long as the Celtics are still putting on their athletic diapers he’s a little tough for Bulls GM Gar Forman to get a hold of. Gar… seriously, Gar? *shakes head* Gar and Bulls VP of Basketball Operations John Paxson have also met with Lawrence “Fart Noise” Frank, Maurice “Dismissive Wank” Cheeks and Elston “Huh?” Turner.

Light a scented candle and play the Benedictine Monks, Chicago Tribune:

All season, Jackson has been consistent that he would finish his Lakers’ contract and then gauge his health and desire to return before plotting his future. Lakers owner Jerry Buss has said Jackson would be asked to reduce his $12 million salary.

“I just can’t imagine (coaching another team),” Jackson said. “Not to say it’s beyond your wildest dreams, or that it never would happen because the strangest things do. But it’s just not part of my conscious thought. Right now we’re down this path against Phoenix. Let’s go down that.”

Responded Andrew Bynum: “Phoneix? Aw, Coach, you so silly! We’re playing Boston in the Finals right now. Lil Bow Wow just dunked on Sandy Koufax!” But seriously, I’m not letting that joke die.

Jackson did not, however, deny his interest in the vacant New Jersey Nets gig. He told the reporters that he’d at least like to sit down with Nets billionaire Russian owner Mikhail Prokhorov and share a glass of vodka. Then they discuss Glasnost, teach a bear how to ride a bicycle, sell some counterfeit blue jeans, throw up the metal sign at a Scorpions concert, and, if there’s time, supply arms to Iranian rebels.