large_tiger-woods-barclays bathroom

And just when we thought it was all past us and we could focus on golf, this comes out. The National Enquirer (salt … lots and lots of salt) is reporting that Tiger Woods slept with his Raychel Coudriet, a 22-year-old who was a neighbor of Woods before she went off to college.

You’re probably going to want to take a shower after the next few lines, so just be ready for that.

Tiger met her when she was 14 (turn shower water on). Tiger hit on her while in the Escalade he would eventually crash into the fire hydrant, enflaming (see what I did there) what would become the enormous scandal you see here while Elin was in the yard with the kids (step into shower). He slept with her on a couch next to a crib where his kids were sleeping (wash yourself … wash yourself with all your force)!

“The two of them had sex on a couch for hours — right next to a crib for Tiger’s children,” added the source. “The crib made Raychel feel guilty — that she was having sex with a married man with children. But she was smitten.”

The girl reportedly told friends that Woods did not use a condom and that the sex was “mechanical and unemotional.” — NY Post

Tiger being mechanical and unemotional? Whomever would have thought those words would describe his loving abilities. He’s a barrel of laughs any other time.

Seriously, it’s the National Enquirer, so take what you want, but it isn’t like they could just make this up out of thin air, and at this point, why wouldn’t Tiger hit on an attractive young girl in his neighborhood?

I blame Raychel more than anyone. Didn’t anyone tell her that long distance relationships never work once you go off to college?