Power Rankings, With Extra Hair Care Products

When everyone else does power rankings, they’re just a soul-crushing way to spend the end of the week as they wait for work to end. When we do Power Rankings, they kick ass.

1. LAN Parties. I tried to have one of these last week, but it turned into a Michael Landon parody. I need sleep.

2. Panels Where I Talk About How Wonderful I Am. I’ll be a panelist at the upcoming Blogs With Balls conference in Chicago this June. As if you needed another reason to go.

3. Dogs that fetch beer. Man’s best friend, indeed.

4. Crazy Celebrities. Seriously, if you’re not insane, you have no shot at being famous. So go to town, I say.

5. Chewbacca. I bent my wookie.

6. Male Cheerleaders. They can get effed. What are you smiling about, sucka? Thanks, John F.

7. Bacon. One French Museum wants their bacon back!

8. That guy in Dubai that they call Spider Man. Washing windows without any sort of lifeline? I hate to say that I’m impressed, but I’m impressed.

9. Sports Figures As Superheroes. Really, A-Rod should have been Wonder Woman. Get off my mound, A-Rod!

10. J-Woww. Taller than Snooki, and jugged out to the max. “Jugged out” has officially permeated the lexicon. Tell your friends, unless they happened to be “jugged out’” they may take offense.