The United Football League released its schedule today, and you didn’t have to be a training camp casualty to notice two distinct things about it. First, since the league has five teams this year, each team will have two byes during its 10-week campaign, which is nice for those strip clubs in town that had to give up their bouncers on Thursday and Saturday nights.
Secondly, the League’s newest franchise, based in Omaha, doesn’t have a name yet. This is an absolute travesty, especially since the Nebraska city has such a prominent reputation for technology, its zoo, and a rich history of racial tension. So I took it upon myself to suggest a handful of names for the UFL to choose from. No need to thank me, fellas. I’m here to help.
Omaha Sound (legacy of blues music)
Omaha Test Tube Gorillas
Omaha Bombers (the Enola Gay was built here)
Omaha Tornadoes (they had two big ones, in 1913 and 1975, respectively)
Omaha Donkey Porn
Omaha Black People That Just Moved Into Your Neighborhood
Omaha Okapi (pictured, right)
Omaha It’s Saturday Night And There Ain’t Dick To Do Here
Great Plains Cotton Boys
Omaha X-Men (Malcolm X was born in Omaha…that explains a lot, actually).
Any suggestions? Leave ‘em in the comments. Or don’t. I’m not your mother.
*inspired by the sound of those stupid aluminum bats in the College World Series, which is held in Omaha each year
**GEICO is owned by Berkshire Hathaway, which is owned by Warren Buffet, who lives in Omaha