Tiger Woods had been setting trends in golf for a long time, but while smashing long drives and complaining about photographers aren’t trends that have caught on in the non-golfing world, his high-profile humping seems to have earned at least one follower. Jesse James, for one. And I mean the bike-building Jesse James, not the 19th-century outlaw. James, who is still married to noted actress Sandra Bullock, saw his own Parade Of Whores kick off no less than a week after his wife won the Academy Award for The Blind Side. But which one screwed around on his wife better? Let’s break it down.
JOB.
Tiger Woods: Plays golf for a living, holds 97 professional tour titles.
Jesse James: CEO of West Coast Choppers, so even though he has all those tats and an above-average goatee, he meets the criteria of “white-collar douchebag.” EDGE: Push.
ANCESTRY.
Tiger: African American/Chinese/Native American father, Thai/Chinese/Dutch mother.
Jesse: Claims to be descendant of the original 19th century outlaw, but refused to take a DNA test to verify. EDGE: Tiger.
SPOUSE.
Tiger: Swedish au pair that Woods plucked away from another golfer on the PGA Tour.
Jesse: That chick that was in Speed and Demolition Man. EDGE: Jesse.
NICKNAME.
Tiger: Tiger. Duh.
Jesse: Vanilla Gorilla. Amazing, and somehow, not racist. EDGE: Jesse.
QUANTITY OF MISTRESSES.
Tiger: We stopped counting at 15.
Jesse: We were never really counting. EDGE: Tiger.
FINANCIAL LOSSES.
Tiger: Gatorade, who was probably going to dump him anyway.
Jesse: Chance to transform prized Hollywood statuette into a badass 1200cc road hog. EDGE: Push.
POTENTIALLY DAMAGED CHILDREN.
Tiger: Two kids, both conceived with his wife. And should we count the labradoodle? Let’s count the labradoodle.
Jesse: Three kids from past marriages, one with porn star Janine Lindenmulder. Pretty sure that those kids will never be in a healthy relationship ever. EDGE: Tiger.
NEXT MOVE.
Tiger: Get back to swingin’ it at Augusta National next month.
Jesse: Crank up the hog for one more right. EDGE: Push.
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2 posts by 10 AM on a Monday? Did Punte pick up a coke habit this weekend?
No shit. And Jesse James is a douche.
Tiger wins. Don’t get me wrong – they’re both still idiots who, if they didn’t either know how to play golf, or know how to build motorcycles, would be just another poseur-y douche in a bar in their hometown. Let me explain.
Job:
1. Tiger: has a way better job, more promotion, and waaaaay more cash. He also has a load of people who will eventually forgive him. And, if he’s smart, he’ll stop with the screwing around.
Jesse: Has a company that makes a good deal of money, but not “Tiger Money”. Some will forgive him, but probably only the people that will still buy bikes from him. Everyone else just doesn’t give a crap about this douche. And he doesn’t even look smart.
Big win: Tiger
2. Ancestry:
Correct: Tiger.
3. Spouse: Better Philanderer?
Tiger: I’ll go with the guy who was married to someone no one’s ever heard about. If you’re going to cheat, it’s best not to do it when you’re married to America’s Sweetheart.
Jesse: you’re done getting laid outside of strip clubs. And that strip club pass will probably expire in a year. Move quick!
4. Nickname. I’ll give you Jesse, with “Vanilla Gorilla”. But really, still pretty racist, when you look at who he slept with. I suspect Tiger’s more than happy to screw any race, color, or creed.
Advantage: Tiger.
5. Number of mistresses. Tiger may have slept with more sluts. But is that an advantage? I’m not so sure… a fat dude with a couple million that you’ve never heard of has probably done more. It isn’t hard. I’ll give you a PUSH on that one.
6. Financial Losses:
Tiger: Lost bigger deals, but still has more cash. Tiger may have lost multi-million dollar deals – but he didn’t lose all the cash he saved.
Jesse: Well, I’m thinking after the divorce, this dude will have a few slightly-bigger-than-normal motorcycle shops. Oh, and while Tiger did get cash from Gilette at one point, Jesse doesn’t even look like he knows how to shave properly.
Advantage: Jesse (but only because he wasn’t endorsing shit in comparison, so he had no potential to lose as much income).
7. Potentially Damaged Children: Correct. Tiger wins. Tiger may be a douche, but at least his kids have a mom who probably hasn’t been in jail, or has screwed by a good deal of dudes on film.
8. Next Move:
Tiger: Eventually gets back to doing what rich white dudes love to do, philandering without consequences, er, golfing. Either way, it’ll be forgotten.
Jesse: He gets to go do what Joe Bob in the deep south loves to do, fixing motorcycles, and screwing toothless chicks.
Huuuuuuge advantage: Tiger.
Easy win: Tiger.