american apparel hindquarters

When other media outlets do power rankings, they’re just pointless, stupid filler. When we do Power Rankings, they kick ass.

1. A certain Apparel company in America that shall remain nameless. How can their models be wearing more clothing than those in lingerie catalogs and still somehow seem dirtier? Probably because the latter doesn’t have a “best butt” competition.

2. The Gus Johnson Soundboard. “Hi everybody, I’m Gus Johnson.” “Climb the mountain!” “Two to tie and three to win it!” “From halfcourt…” “And one!” “And that’s it!”

3. Tiger Woods texting. With kittens or without. It’s your call.

4. Snooki “killing” someone in 2004. I love how some idiot kid has too much to drink and it’s everyone else’s fault. If I became grossly overweight, would I be able to blame all the fast food joints in Virginia? …Okay, bad example.

5. The renaissance of food innuendo. Speaking of which…

6. Bacon. I can’t keep it out of my mouth. And Canada can’t keep it out of jail.

7. Surfiing Alpacas. Hopefully, to be followed by “Driving alpacas” and “Mathematician alpacas.” Hey, that’ll be less work for us.

8. Special Olympians. Somebody test that kid for HGH! And, uh, Krohn’s…

9. Fat chicks with ambition. The thicker the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’, but also the greater likelihood of the random smell of beef.

10. Leonard Nimoy singning. It’s exactly as awesome as it sounds.