panda_steven_segeal

At the end of the week, we pick the winners to the weekend’s most ass-grabbing matchups. Home teams are in all caps.

Tonight. WINE over Beer. I’m going to a bring-your-own wine party tonight. I know nothing about wine. Do they sell starter sets at the package store? Either way, I like YALE -4 over Brown. And my chances of getting completely hammered.

Tomorrow: Cardinals +7 over SAINTS. 4:30 pm, FOX. The over/under on this game is an awesome 57.5 Fifty-seven and a half! This is an NFL game! Still not high enough. Expect Arizona to cover in a close game, unless Neil Rackers tanks another field goal. DO NOT EFF ME AGAIN, RACKERS!

Ravens +7 over COLTS. 8:15 pm, CBS. I’d love nothing more than to see the Colts get destroyed after tanking in the second half of that game against the Jets late in the year. If they wanted to rest their starters, fine. REST THEM. Don’t sit them for a quarter and a half and act like you’ve benefited the world somehow.

Sunday. VIKINGS -3 over Cowboys. 1 pm, FOX. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Percy Harvin Brett Favre.

Jets +8 over CHARGERS. 4:30 pm, CBS. It’s a dog day weekend. The Jets have been playing terrible teams, but they’ve been playing well. And this weekend, they’ll be playing Norv Turner.

Amber Jones is doing the weekend again. Please…be gentile.