div-day-2It’s playoff weekend, and in a little while some of the biggest and baddest men in the country will begin stepping out onto the football field to battle for the coveted spot in the Super Bowl.  Every analyst and sports blogger has their methods for picking the winners using statistics, injury reports, homefield advantage, current team climate–what have you.  This weekend I’ve decided to take a weird science approach and come up with my own method using completely asinine criteria, because why not?  For the most part it’s all a crap shoot anyway (remember when Tampa beat New Orleans?  That was awesome).

Dallas Cowboys vs. Minnesota Vikings

QB:  Who’s older? Tony Romo is 29.  Brett Favre is 40.  Romo didn’t start the season by saying, “Weeeelllllllllllll I may not play all 16 games..,” and he doesn’t have the constant threat of Childress and TJack.  Point:DAL

Top WR: Who’s more aesthetically pleasing? Miles Austin has really white teeth.  He probably uses whitener, but not the strips – the kind where you put the gel in the tray. I bet he has nice breath. Sidney Rice has a child-like quality and Eric Benet hair.  Eric Benet used to bang Halle Berry.  And everyone else.  Point: DAL

Top RB: Higher jersey # = more yards. Marion Barber is #24, and All Day is #28.  Both are divisible by 4, and the quotient of 28/4 is 7.  7 is traditionally known as a lucky number.  Point: MIN

Defense: Higher combined weight = stopping power. The Vikings D weighs in at 6,301.  The Cowboys D weighs in at 5,913.  I also figure Jared Allen’s mullet has a mythical weight of 1 megaton, so this one is kind of a landslide.  Point: MIN

Name: Even though Clint Eastwood and John Wayne were sweet cowboys, they were fake cowboys.  Cowboys are pretty rugged dudes.  However, Vikings are totally badass.  They were explorers, warriors, merchants, and pirates.  Being a warrior and a pirate with a really sweet boat is a pretty clear win over riding a horse and using a spittoon.  Point: MIN

WINNER: MINNESOTA

New York Jets vs. San Diego Chargers

QB:  Who’s older? Mark Sanchez is 23.  Most 23 year-olds are drunk.  Philip Rivers is 28, and 28 year-olds are worldly and wise.  Point: SD

Top WR: Who’s more aesthetically pleasing? Jerricho Cotchery looks kind of old and maybe like he’s a bad dresser.  I can’t be certain about that, but that green jersey is NOT working for him.  Vincent Jackson has cute smile lines and looks like he has a nice laugh.  Point: SD

Top RB: Higher jersey # = more yards. Thomas Jones is #20, and although Tommy and I share the same last name, LaDainian Tomlinson is #21.  It’s a close one…Point: SD

Defense: Higher combined weight = stopping power. The Jets D weighs in at 6,440 (not including Sexy Rexy).  The Chargers D is steppin’ up at 6,176.  Point: NYJ

Name: Jets are pretty awesome.  I like when fighter jets have scary shark faces and hot girls painted on them.  The Chargers are a lightening bolt shaped like a rainbow.  LAME.  Point: NYJ

WINNER: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Yesterday my picks went 2 for 2.  I’m thinking I may be onto something here!