10.31.09 POWER RANKINGS: UNDER THE SEA

Power Rankings are stupid and pointless. Except when we do them. Then, they kick ass.

1. Slutty Halloween costumes. Anything with sideboob is great. Anything constricting that prevents her from running long distances? Even better.

2. The Phillies. The NL champs managed to split the first two games in New York with the Yankees. Game 3 is tonight in Philly. Is it too late to pick the Phils to win in five?

3. Farting on Brett Favre? Former Packer Gilbert Brown brings a little freshness to the Brett Favre debate.

4. Ugly fans offering sex for tickets. Seriously, if I’m supposed to be hitting this, she’d better be giving me tickets. Among other things…

5. MMA fighters turned porn stars. “War Machine” has taken on a whole new meaning.

6. eBay auctions. Especially those involving “jersey regret.”

7. Drunk Ewoks. They should host the Today show next week. Hey, it’s sweeps month!

8. Bacon. Its appeal is reaching pandemic proportions. When was the last time you fancied the flavors of a fallen friend?

9. Will Leitch. Seriously, how does anyone have a discussion about the St. Louis Cardinals without this guy?

10. Running really long distances when your car is like right there, yo. Seriously, these celebrity marathoners need to jog into a well and fall in already.