09.14.09 NFL WEEK 1: LOSERS AND REALLY BIG LOSERS

The National Football League season is a war of attrition, and while I’m not exactly sure what “attrition” means, winning in September isn’t necessarily as important as surviving it. Last night, the Chicago Bears did neither, as their prized linebacker and noted dumb-looking white guy Brian Urlacher is out for the season after dislocating his right wrist in the first quarter of last night’s game. Honestly, I know nothing about surgery, but can’t you just tape that thing up and get on with your campaign? Honestly, I’m asking. I really don’t know. But the Bears are losers in that turn of events, and Urlacher, by default, is one really big loser. Add Donovan McNabb to that pile as well, who is day-to-day after fracturing a rib in the Eagles’ win over a woeful Carolina Panthers team. And he wasn’t even the guy that threw four picks. Mmm, ribs.

In the Battle of Quarterbacks I Wanted To See Scorched With Hot Tar, Brady Quinn followed up his not really winning the quarterback competition in Cleveland yesterday with this fumble. I’m holding out hope that attempting to throw the ball, only to have it pop out as one’s arm moves forward, will come to be known as the “Statue of Lenin” play. But I’m not holding my breath on that. Also, speculative fantasy owners recoiled with emotion ranging from shock to indifference when learning that Browns rookie running back James Davis was injured and briefly hospitalized in a car crash on Saturday. Sure, it’s not crashing your motorcycle in a parking lot, but still…Davis had a whopping five carries yesterday. Awesome.

ASYLUM POLL: Who was the biggest choke artist of Week 1?

Also a big loser last weekend, Tila Tequila, whose case against Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will not be pursued by local authorities. She responded by sending images of her “bruises” to TMZ, and I couldn’t be any less impressed with the pics even if the Giants signed them to an extension.