08.31.09 IT’S A VERY CONFLICTED MONDAY SUCK-OFF

Sucking vs. Mankind The Colorado Rockies were only two games behind the Dodgers after winning at home to start their big series with LA last Tuesday. Since then, Colorado has sucked greatly, losing five straight, including getting swept in a three-game set in San Francisco over the weekend. Edgar Renteria put the finishing touches on the Rockies with a grand slam in the 7th inning. The sweep allowed the Giants to pull even with the Rockies in the NL Wild Card race. That sucks.

Sucking vs. Society. Tiger Woods lost at the Barclays in Jersey by one shot yesterday, to a guy named Heath Slocum. I thought that guy played for the Cardinals? Anyway, Tiger missed a 7-footer on 18 Sunday that–ceteris paribus–would have put him in a playoff with Slocum. But even worse…they’re still playing golf?! Wasn’t the PGA like three weeks ago? Oh, I guess everyone’s still mailing it in for the FedEx Cup. See what I did there? No? Eh, forget it.

Sucking vs. Nature. Todd Haley is just the kind of prick the Kansas City Chiefs organization needed, and I say that with nothing but love. The culture of perennial mediocrity can be a difficult mold to break, especially in the modern NFL. And doubly especially when your $63 million quarterback sprains his MCL. He’s on the shelf for 2-4 weeks. That sucks. Unless you hate the Chiefs, and then it’s somewhat humerous.

Sucking vs. Self. The Bengals finally signed Andre Smith, making contract diva Michael Crabtree the last first-rounder taken in the NFL draft that has yet to sign with his team. ESPN reported earlier today that the 49ers expect Crabtree to sign before the start of the season, which probably won’t be so bad, especially when all of your work colleagues have their names sewn onto the backs of their shirts.