As the athlete’s celebratory cry for the team achievement has long been, “I’m going to Disneyland,” the new exclamation for the more provocative sportsman might be, “I’m gonna blow a load into Paris Hilton.” Such seemed to be the plan for Christiano Ronaldo, who found himself in a California club called MyHouse Wednesday night before finding himself in the hotel heiress. I wonder which line to get in was longer. Wokka wokka wokka!

The scoring machine and Paris got down and dirty as they teamed up to celebrate the soccer ace’s £80million transfer.

A clubber who witnessed their frolicking said: “They were sucking each other’s faces off like their plane was going down.

“At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy.” |The Sun|

TMZ is “reporting” that Paris went back to her old fling the next night, who’s some guy I never heard of.

But our spies say last night Paris begged Doug Reinhardt to take her back. She told him she loved him and had made a mistake by breaking up with him.

We’re told she was texting him all night and then showed up at his house at 4 AM this morning, banging on his door.

See? With Paris Hilton, even the door gets herpes. Um, I mean laid.