It’s an Isiah Thomas-Fatso mashup, and that’s really all you need to know. Unless you didn’t know that Fatso was the name of the late Keyboard Cat, who is probably rubbing cat hair all over the freshly creased pants of Billy Mays as he walks through the pearly gates. I know that some of you don’t believe in Heaven, but if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think it exists in the way it’s constantly been portrayed. It’s probably just five Swedish girls huddled around a Playstation 3. That’s it. And hell is just being stuck in one of those changing rooms at a department store, trying on pants for all eternity.

|Hardwood Paroxysm|

Ryan Parker does it again with “Black Guys Don’t Play Hockey,” where the Cincinnati-based songwriter opines on the merits of the Caucasian genome and an all-black NHL. And now that the BET Awards are over, I think an all-black pro hockey league is something that needs to happen. And maybe someday we’ll genetically engineer a white guy that could lead the NBA in scoring for the first time since Pistol Pete Maravich did it in 1977. I’m sure there’s a genetics team in South Africa working on that as we speak.

The United States Men’s National Team was minutes away from winning the FIFA Confederations Cup this weekend, taking a stunning 2-0 lead into half time. It’s two words in soccer. I don’t know why. Anyway, goals from Clint Dempsey and Landon Donovan were not enough, as the clearly fatigued American side allowed three goals in the second half, giving away to championship to Brazil, 3-2. FIFA.com asked USMNT captain Landon Donovan what happened to his team in the second half:

What changed in the second half?
The first goal right after the break killed us. It just took the air completely out of the balloon and after that I have to give them a lot of credit. They just kept coming and coming and putting more and more pressure on us. They took their chances and put a lot of bodies into the attack.

Is there anything you think you could have done differently as a team in the last 45 minutes?
I think we probably could have done a little better job of counter-attacking and keeping them unbalanced and on their toes with our movement forward. But they’re a great team and they just didn’t give us an inch.

USA’s strong showing in the Confed gives them a great chance of qualifying for the World Cup. And what better place to bring the world together than a nation with a long and rich tradition of celebrating diversity: South Africa.

Mariano Rivera earned his 500th save last night. But the Yankees reliever helped his team complete a sweep of their subway rival Mets in a very impressive and badass way.

Rivera entered the game with two outs in the eigth inning and his team leading, 3-2. But when Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez walked Derek Jeter to load the bases against , the Yankees–desperate to keep their closer in the game–sent Rivera in to bat. Rodriguez fell behind in the count, 2-0, before filling it up, 3-2. Rodriguez threw an inside fastball that was called ball four, walking in a run and earning Rivera his first career RBI.

Rivera then retired the side to earn a 4-2 win for his team and save No. 500; he’s only the second guy in history to do it (Trevor Hoffman was the first, but he played in San Diego and only made the World Series once, so that’s why you never heard of him. And anyway, ESPN hates San Diego). And now the New York media will start another bogus MVP campaign for him. Nobody has gotten more ink for pitching 11 percent of a game than this guy. The only MVP closer in history was dropped out of the Enola Gay in 1945. Hehe. Gay.

Saint Andrew’s Net is the daily link heap for With Leather. It’s easier to get into than a Canadian med school.

• Apologies for not crediting Gimp on the heads-up on that Ochocinco post from Friday. Here’s a link to his (?) blog on a MMA post where two women are beating each other up for sport
  |So Much For College|
• It’s a pretty bad day when a guy gets humiliated by someone that makes wine for a living. No, the perpetrator in question wasn’t French, but he may as well have been. You might have to read the comments for context
  |Digg|
• This guy went into “Mets rehab” for two weeks before returning to Mets fandom on Sunday. He couldn’t have picked a worse day to come back. And what’s up with all the flippin’ Mets bloggers?!
  |Legend of Cecilio Guante|
• It’s time to play “Do You Think She’s A Prostitute?”
  |Twitter|
• When the minor league ballpark’s PA address goes out, poor Goober the mascot is forced to improvise
  |Playing For Peanuts|
• ‘The day MJ met MJ. I have a feeling that Michael Jordan will eventually top Michael Jackson’s death
  |That NBA Lottery Pick|
• More Michael Jackson: this time mashed up with the NBA Draft
  |Barkley’s Mouth|
• Chad Ochocinco gets into a Twitter spat with a fake Ron Artest
  |Style Points|
• Evegni Malkin’s girlfriend Oksana is pretty good at running around in a bikini. Maybe she’s still pretending to flee from a pursuant communist regime
  |Big League Screw|

Send tips and submissions to WithLeather-Tips@Uproxx.com. Anything about baseball this week is getting moved to the front of the pile.

We’ll get to the details of the U.S. losing to Brazil in the Confederations Cup final tomorrow, but for now, let’s just bask in the first half of the game — and in particular, Landon Donovan’s gorgeous 27th-minute goal.  I’ve followed USA soccer closely since the World Cup in ’94, and I’ve never seen the Gringos score a goal as beautiful as that.  And from Donovan!  He usually disappears on the biggest stages, but he was tremendous during the last two games against the best in the world.

A counterattack goal in five perfect touches.  You don’t see that much, and certainly not from the Team USA.  I’m ready for the World Cup to start now.