Noted Washington Redskins H-Back and burgeoning internet “personality” Chris Cooley was driving around in Wyoming last week(because this is what Chris Cooley does. He doesn’t knock up recently acquainted women or handle firearms or even play Madden all day. Nope. Dude is in a truck driving around one of those square states on the map). He then encountered one of the three possible things one could encounter in Wyoming: a dead cow. The other two things, for the record, are living cows and extreme boredom. From Cooley’s blog, via Shutdown Corner:

We were cruising around on our new land in Wyoming the other day and we found an old dead cow. So we decided that we would get rid of it by setting it on fire. Needless to say, it was a success.

I hope it was a success. How exactly does one screw up setting fire to a cow? Is there a class involved? I’m sure it’s a major at Ohio State, but what criteria does one use in rating bovine intervention. I guess this is why I’ll never play in the NFL. That and my flagrant alcoholism.

It’s the offseason for both the NFL and the English Premier League (or Barclay’s, whatever they’re calling it these days), but players in the respective leagues approach their vacations very differently.  With the exception of the occasional Playboy Bunny party, NFL stars generally stay out of the limelight as they dodge the Eye of Sauron located high atop the commissioner’s office on Mount Doom.

In the Premiership, June and July is island vacation time, and it makes for awesome news, because the players are constantly surrounded by hot women in swimsuits.  There was a period last summer where bikini photos of Nereida Gallardo powered the With Leather server.

Anyway, there won’t be any sagas like that this summer, but here’s a quick round-up of soccer stars and WAGs on vacation: (1) Coleen Rooney, who’s six months pregnant with Wayne Rooney’s spawn, is riding around in a jet ski.  Grrr, pregnant chicks in bikinis! (2) Chelsea star Frank Lampard is looking at naked chicks in Vegas.  And (3) most importantly, Abigail Clancy is wearing a bikini.  Oh, and her 6-foot-7 wanker of a boyfriend, Peter Crouch, is with her.  God, it’s so depressing when I see her with him.  That should be ME, dammit!  I just need to figure out a way to make 400 times as much money as I do now.  Who wants pictures of my wang?  Starting price is $15 million.

|Mad love to Kickette.  See more here and here|

I don’t know what it is about the managers in the Braves organization, but they certainly get themselves thrown out of games with a certain panache not seen around the other farm systems in baseball. Zach at The Big Picture found this video of Rome (GA) Braves manager Randy Ingle putting the screws to this ump, who apparently botched a certain fair/foul call. Ingle was more than happy to correct him, and even offered to redecorate the field to accommodate his handicap. Those Southerners are so hospitable.

UPDATE: It’s just a GD viral marketing campaign. Well, good on them. Maybe for 2010-2011 they can drown Gary Bettman in the Gulf of Mexico.

If you’ve ever followed Drew Rosenhaus on Twitter, you realize that the “information” disseminated from his account is part PR, part Franchise Mode in Madden, and nearly all rubbish. But then Rosenhaus dropped some curious news today that should dissolve any proposal to ban the renown sports agent from social media completely:

I have been hired by the fans of the NHL’s Florida Panthers to negotiate lower season ticket prices. I will keep you posted on the outcome.

The Panthers seating map indicates that the cheapest season ticket is $9 for the upper end zone. Tickets by the glass run for $207; the cheapest seat in the lower bowl is $50. Andrew’s Stars Page reports that Florida’s average ticket price last year was the league’s 11th most expensive at $52.61, pricier than Chicago ($52.22), LA ($47.20), Detroit ($46.60), and even Pittsburgh ($51.45).

I don’t see what leverage Rosenhaus can muster here. Is he going to hold 10,000-plus season ticket holders out of training camp? Will he jog through the arena on opening night 30 minutes until puck drop with a megaphone, screaming, “Pack it up, people! We’re going on strike!” I can’t see this going anywhere; as long as fans of mediocre teams are dumb enough to keep buying season tickets, ticket prices won’t be going anywhere, either.

From the cult classic indie porn, Dong in Darkhole

Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin threw himself a birthday party at AMPM in Dallas, which is apparently a night club and not a chain of gas station/convenience stores.  Although a birthday at the local am/pm could be fun, too.

Anyway, Austin spared no expense on furry costumes and girls dressed as Playboy bunnies, proving that he not only listens to the sage words of owner Jerry Jones, but that he also respects the style of the dynastic Cowboys team of the 1990s.  Ladies, to the private jet!  We’ve got skyf-cking to do!

|images via NBC Dallas; see the full gallery there|

Indie-leaguer Josh Womack is back with more bat tricks. And holy crap, this guy just makes it looks so awesome. I hate to think what this guy could do to a woman with a baseball bat. But not as much as what I think Elijah Dukes could do to a woman with a baseball bat. It’s funny because he has anger issues. Actually, that’s not so funny. HEY, DOUCHEBAG WITH THE WHITE TENNIES AND SCATTERSHOT BALDNESS! YOU’RE IN MY SHOT!

|thanks, Dmytrowich|