There’s already too much to cover as we get back into the weekday swing of things. We’ve missed three NBA playoff games, a couple hockey games, some car race, and Jeremy Shockey’s big pool party at the Hard Rock in Vegas, which is only a great place to visit if you’re visiting someone there whom you’ve been paid to kill. But I digress.

Our precious Nike-laden Kobe-LeBron Finals matchup is in serious peril now; with Orlando and Denver having won their most recent conference finals matchups against the Cavs and Lakers, respectively. We were among those that warned everyone about how the Nuggets could make a run at the Finals (why didn’t the Lakers listen?!), but the real surprise has been how Orlando has managed to creep into the Eastern finals on the heels of a public meltdown between their coach and their star player. Curious? Yes. Suck-off worthy? Sadly, no.

There was that fuzzy little foreigner, Mario Moraes, who crashed in the first lap of the Indy 500 on Sunday, taking out Marco Andretti in the process. Moraes then cried to the TV cameras, saying that he was holding his line, and blamed the wreck on Andretti. That’s a suck-off winner on any other 2-day weekend.

No, the suck de la suck goes to Jose Canseco, who managed to find an MMA circuit that doesn’t perform steroid testing. Canseco was in the Dream Super Hulk tournament, fighting 7-foot-2-inch Hong Man Choi in Yokohama, and this thing goes a little further than you might originally expect. But the ending leaves me satisfied. And it’s really the happy ending that makes a suck-off a suck-off.