04.17.09 POWER RANKINGS: BACHELORETTE PARTY!

Power rankings are a complete waste of time and don’t inspire anyone. Except when we do it. You’d better put on some old pants, because these Power Rankings will blow your mind straight through your colon.

1. Brooklyn Decker. So sad that she’s marrying Andy Roddick this weekend.  Otherwise we totally would have had a chance, man.

2. Samurai. They’re like ninjas and pirates put together!  YARRRRGG-HOOOAAAHH!!

3. John Madden. So long, you old fat retard.  Does this mean we get Collinworth instead?

4. A professional soccer career. Playing soccer is gay, you say?  Well if being gay means a shot at one of the top 100 soccer WAGs, sign me up.

5. Seattle Mariners. I forgot what it was like to root for a team that wins.  Of course, that feeling for a Seattle fan is the ominous dread of the impending, heartbreaking collapse.

6. Erin Pageviews. Look!  She’s in a video game!  Hey, has anyone noticed that she has long blonde hair and long legs and shapely breasts?  I feel like she might eventually get some attention for that.

7. Toonces. Photoshop of the month right here.  Do you realize someone emailed to ask what the story was behind the “driving cat” images?  It made us feel very, very old.

8. Isiah Thomas. Congratulations, and welcome back.  We’ve missed trashing your every egregious f*ck-up.

9. The Darwin. It’s a drink I invented for the summer.  One shot of a light, floral gin like DH Krahn or Hendrick’s, three-quarters of a shot of St. Germain elderflower liqueur, a squeeze of lime, and equal parts soda water.  Drink those all afternoon in the sun.

10. Really fat cats:

|video via Best Week Ever|