03.27.09 POWER RANKINGS: LOKEN AT A NEW NO. 1

A power rankings list is just a stupid, idiot-friendly form of prose that serves no purpose other than the self-aggrandizement of the author. Unless we do it. Then they kick all kinds of ass.

1. Kristanna Loken. Because she’s hot and I’m so far behind.

2. Nicky Whelan. It figures that David Spade would have to go all the way to Australia to hit that, but it was seriously worth the trip.

3. Duke Losing. Maybe they’re not as talented as in years past, but the sound of the Blue Devils falling still rings just as sweetly in my ears.

4. Columbus Blue Jacket Haters. Looks like they’re actually making the playoffs this year. So cue the threatening Flames fan…

5. Daulerio giving out Colin Cowherd’s phone number. Unreal.

You Get The Idea. Tiresome Nonsense. However If You, Fine Commentariat, Would Like To Respond To This Gentleman’s Opinion, Please Give Him A Call: [REDACTED] “Let’s See If We Can Shut Down A Phone…”

You heard the man.

6. Bacon. Jim Gaffigan’s bacon bit’s on Warming Glow.

7. Twitter. Pretty solid ranking for the biggest waste of time ever.

8. Jeff George. Still hoping to get into somebody’s camp. That’s amazing that he can even walk. What is he, like, 55?

9. Base jumping. But this part of it kinda blows.

10. A Dog Milking A Goat. It’s self-explanatory, really.