03.17.09 I WANT TO BUY CRAP FROM THIS GUY

This is Tony Little, a 52-year-old guy who, chances are, has tried to sell you a Gazelle at one point in time or another. He’s profiled in this month’s issues of DETAILS, along with A-Rod and a bunch of other dudes who look really gay, but either aren’t or haven’t actually realized they are. But whichever way you swing, it’s clear that Tony Little can sell.

Pull up a chair in his private office. Admire the huge mahogany desk and the pictures of the goods he’s sold: DVDs, audiobooks, T-shirts, calf massagers. All this could be yours. But hurry! Tony has to get back to the studio, because he’s on the air again at six, after Emeril, and like he says, “You think Emeril is hitting his numbers? No way.” Tony will gladly give you his numbers: $3 billion in retail sales, 45 million customers worldwide. “Tony Robbins has had one successful infomercial,” he says. “I’ve had nine.” GM can’t sell motors, Linens’n Things can’t sell linens, Circuit City can’t sell circuits, but Tony Little can always sell Tony Little. In 2008, the worst financial year since the Great Depression, he moved more than $100 million in product.

The who profile is pretty amazing; it’s really a human story. But he’ll always be that hyper Gazelle guy to me, and unless he’s planning a showdown with Billy Mays and that galvanized beard of his, I’ll remain as a dude that’s not totally buying what Little is selling.

Eh, that ending sounded better in my head.