So the federal prosecution in this Barry Bonds case wants to show his presumably-shrunken testicles as evidence that he took performance-enhancing drugs during his baseball career. Hey, I’ve got premature baldness and tiny junk and no one ever accused me of being on steroids.

The defense derided the science and studies that Bowers and the government cited that allege steroid and human growth hormone use by Bonds would have been witnessed by a former girlfriend, teammates and others in the form of physical symptoms: shrunken testicles, male pattern baldness, and a giant skull and fingers.[...]

Visual inspection apparently won’t do. Ruby noted that a “layperson” would have difficulty detecting diminished testicles “even by touch.”

The only reliable means of measurement, Ruby wrote, is by a “trained examiner” using a special device called an orchidometer.

What good would this do? Do we have any idea of what Bonds’ testicles looked like before he started juicing? I don’t understand why anyone could think this is a good idea. Hopefully Bonds’ balls will just plead the fifth. That’s why they put that in the Constitution, you know. No man should be incriminated by his own scrotum.

[Y! News, who provides testicle updates every hour, on the hour]