I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make up my own.
1. Scarlett Johansson. Back with some Dolce & Gabbana ads. Oh honey, I could never stay mad at you.
2. Roberto Alomar. What a great week he had. He got sued for supposedly having unprotected sex while knowing he had AIDS, but then his new girlfriend was all, “No way! That’s a lie! Uh… right, honey? Tell me it’s a lie.”
4. Jamal Anderson. To his credit, snorting coke off of a toilet tank with another man is actually a step up from working for ESPN.
5. Tiger Woods. With the birth of a son, his name shall live on after his death. Good thing, because I doubt anyone will remember him after he’s gone.
6. Brett Favre. He suckered everyone again. See you in pads this September, Bretty boy.
7. Bonus Ass. When is a banner image also 15 thumbnails of models in swimsuits? When the Swimsuit Issue demands it.
8. Lindsey Vonn. Will someone invent scratch ‘n sniff Internet already?
9. Ken Griffey, Jr. Yeah, I’m a sentimental bitch. It’s my one weakness. Besides strippers. And booze. And gambling. Well, it’s a weakness anyway.
10. Erin Andrews. Playboy’s Sexiest Sportscaster is only good for tenth place until we get a lingerie photo shoot. Okay, okay — I’ll settle for bikini candids. But that’s my final offer.