I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make up my own.

1. The Super Bowl. Whether you watched it for the exciting game, the ads, or the porn interruptions from Club Jenna, there’s no denying it was the #1 event this week.

2. Michael Phelps. The Olympic hero quickly burned out our attention span with the fallout from his bong-hit picture.  By the end of the week, Phelps was ready to puff-puff-pass on the 2012 Olympics, and we wanted the media to pipe down already.  What’s up now, tabloids?  I got more drug references where those came from.

3. Andrey Arshavin. He arrived at Arsenal from Russia and quickly made waves, thanks to the reports of his dressmaking skills and his anti-women driving policy.

4. Peyton Manning. Take THAT, diabetics!

5. Making the Knicks Look Bad. A lot of people are good at it, but Kobe and LeBron took it to a whole new level.

6. Headlines. In my opinion, it doesn’t get much better than OAF TASERED, but pigeons in the pants always makes everything better, too.

7. ESPN High School.  I’m only including this one because there’s an UPDATE to the story: apparently ESPN has only agreed to cooperate, and is in no way assisting in the funding of such a school.  But I worked so hard on the Photoshop!

8. The Tough Guy Challenge. Definitely something I would do, if I had the endurance.  And the masochism.  And the mankini.

9. Marshawn Lynch. He likes penguins, and some other stuff I don’t really understand.  As commenter Fear the Hobbits noted, “If everybody thought like Marshawn Lynch the world would be a way more beautiful place.”  Totally true.

10. Drugged-up children. Not just for sexy pleasure any more!

And some bonus old-school Jenna Jameson in GQ, because hey, it’s Friday,  You deserve it.