A big story in Tampa this week has been about superhuman wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald and his father, Larry Sr., an NFL reporter in Minnesota. Rick reilly and other columnists were all, “Larry Senior is awesome ’cause he’s going to not cheer in the press box and remain totally objective.” Then there was the backlash by people with facts, who were all, “Uhhhh, actually, he’s not objective at all.” Then the columnists got pissed off and tossed barbs back. The whole thing has been pretty annoying and gay, which is why I haven’t written about it.
Forgotten in all of this are the accusations of abuse and bribery made by Angela Nazario, the former Raiders cheerleader who gave birth to Fitgerald’s son. Remember a year ago when this happened?
A source close to Nazario says he has asked her to “hide” out in a small Arizona town, and asked her to have an abortion. Fitzgerald also allegedly tried to bribe her with offers of houses and cars, and when she declined, he told her “I don’t need this all over the news like Matt Leinart.”
After she gave birth, Nazario later accused Fitzgerald of slamming her head into a marble floor and tearing chunks of her hair out. And now, rumors are beginning to swirl (see buried lede) that Nazario and son Devin will be at the Super Bowl on Sunday. Rick Reilly has yet to write a column on whether or not she’ll be cheering for Fitzgerald.
Pittsburgh sports blog Mondesi’s House is pretty much unreadable with excitement for the Super Bowl right now, but credit where it’s due: the Terrible ShamWow! arrived at the intersection of sports fandom and pop culture with pretty impeccable timing. (Don’t worry Arizona fans, there’s a theoretical Cardinals ShamWow! as well.) Fortunately for society, the one pictured here is one of only two in existence, so Steelers fans are still going to need five, ten, EVEN TWELVE Terrible Towels to clean up spilled Iron City beer!!!
Elsewhere in Steeler fan news, another 12,000 new Steeler fan songs have been uploaded to YouTube in the last 15 minutes. And Chris Mottram of The Sporting Blog continues to do the Lord’s work in Tampa as he analyzes the stereotypical Steelers fan. My God, I can’t believe that’s an actual person. Makes you wonder if giving every citizen the right to vote is a good idea.
The photo here is from the elevator shaft of an abandoned warehouse in Detroit. And yes, that’s an actual dead man encased in 2-3 feet of ice. It was discovered when “urban explorers” were playing ice hockey in the basement. Get ready for the most macabre and depressing story of urban decay you’ll read this week.
[The man who found the body] is an urban explorer who gets thrills rummaging through and photographing the ruins of Detroit. It turns out that this explorer last week was playing hockey with a group of other explorers on the frozen waters that had collected in the basement of the building. None of the men called the police, the explorer said. They, in fact, continued their hockey game.
Well, it’s not like stopping the hockey game is gonna bring him back to life now, is it? What’s the rush? I don’t want to sound callous, but it’s not like he’s at the top of the triage list.
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So, to close out the day, do you want (A) another human interest story about one of the players in the Super Bowl, or (B) video of a guy flying around in a water-powered jetpack set to the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey?
Yeah, that’s what I thought. You and I are gonna get along just fine.
Eins for ze ozzah thumb!
Although Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl Steelerstahl Douchenstahl said that the idea of a Pittsburgh victory parade after the Super Bowl is “still alive,” it seems that budget concerns and the general batshit insanity of Steelers fans will likely prevent the city from setting one up. Not the possibility of a loss on Sunday, though. That’s not a concern, apparently.
Sources said a parade this year would be a “budget buster” and, more importantly, a safety issue. The last victory parade drew a quarter-million people into the Golden Triangle and was a public safety nightmare, sources said.
The celebration was free to the public, but it cost the city $45,000 for security and cleanup. Crowd control was also challenging. Some fans created safety concerns by running up to the parade vehicles carrying Steelers players and coaches.
Oh Jesus. Is it really that hard to find a solution? Sell tickets and have a rally at Heinz Field. Broadcast it locally. The damn thing will sell out in 40 seconds. Steelers fans will do anything to watch anything Steeler-related. They’d have 100,000 people in Steelers jerseys at the gates if they sold tickets for Ben Roethlisberger working an algebra problem at midfield. And it would probably last as long as a regulation game. I’ll take algebra and the points.
(Photoshop via me)
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