Here’s the opening commentary from American Andrew Weibrecht’s run at the notoriously dangerous Birds of Prey course in Beaver Creek, Colo., over the weekend:

“All right, fasten your seatbelts.  This guy only knows one speed, and that is full-on, hundred and ten WHOAH
HHHHHHHHHH LOOK AT THAT!!!!!”

I’m not joking when I say this is exactly what I want out of commentators.  When someone flies through the air and crashes headfirst into an embankment, I don’t wanna hear some pussy whisper, “Oh, now this is just terrible.  Let’s hope he’s all right.”  They should always be ready to say, “And a 9.5 from the Russian judge!” as soon as someone crashes. 

Of course, that would be bad form if someone were hurt badly enough to warrant a medevac helicopter, so if that happens the producers should be ready to cut to the booth and show the announcers exchanging high-fives to the replay.