Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has special plans for tomorrow’s turkey day — he plans to act like one. So sayeth the always-reliable and never-inflammatory comments from the ex-wife, who couldn’t jump in front of a tape recorder fast enough to trash a guy that none of us really like anyway.

“My soul-less, soon-to-be ex-husband is abandoning his kids on Thanksgiving to be with Madonna.” Cynthia went on to describe the singer in “not so nice terms.” A-Rod will host dinner at his Manhattan apartment for Madonna, her children, and her manager.

“Alex likes a woman with a strong hand,” said one insider of Rodriguez’s decision to return to New York to be at Madonna’s beck and call. “He likes to be told what to do. He’s a bit of a cipher.”

“Cipher” must be New Yorker slang for “tranny-loving third baseman.” My guess is that Alex burns the turkey, and then has to count on Jeter putting together a casserole at the last minute. I feel bad for A-Rod’s kids, though. One of them will get promoted from the kids’ table, and we all know that’s where the action is. And by “action,” I mean “not having sex with Madonna.” Grown-ups suck.

[Newser, via NY Post]