To close out the week, we pick the winners of the weekend’s biggest matchups. Home team in ALL CAPS.

Friday: OFFSEASON over Baseball Season. No more baseball highlights for at least…when does the next season begin? Three weeks from now?

Knicks over SIXERS: The Philly Curse is back on, and the Knicks roll to 2-0. Why? Because William Penn is still busy rolling cars on 12th Street. That’s why.

Saturday: Rangers over MAPLE LEAFS. If you find yourself next to a girl that likes hockey, just nonchalantly ask, “So, you think Lundqvist is the real deal?” That whooshing sound you’ll hear next will be her panties hitting the floor. I love hockey.

No 2. ALABAMA over Arkansas State. Jeez, Tide. Don’t hurt yourselves. Who’s next on your schedule? Team Germany?

No. 8 GEORGIA over No. 5 Florida. Tim Tebow will look to circumcize the Dawgs in The World’s Largest Cocktail Party. Hehe, I said ‘cock.’

No. 6 TEXAS TECH over No. 1 Texas. I slept on the Red Raiders last week. Not this time. After drubbing Kansas in their own homecoming game, Tech finally has a chance to pave their own way to the BCS. I say they cash it in.

Sunday: Jimmie Johnson over THE FIELD. Yes, there are only three races left in NASCAR’s Chase For The Cup. No, I still don’t care.

BILLS over Jets. This is your premiere 1 PM matchup. It’s for the division. It’s cold. It’s Brett Favre! I think I just heard John Madden reach climax.

Texans over VIKINGS. Brad Childress, I can’t trust a head coach with a mustache anymore. Especially one who wields it so pitifully. But hey, you were great as the test monitor in Spies Like Us.

GIANTS over Cowboys. Mara’s men roll over Brad Johnson to 7-1 and take another step toward that 1-seed in the NFC playoffs. Because if Johnson was any older he’d be wearing orthopedic cleats.

New England vs. INDY. This isn’t the only upcoming matchup where I don’t like either side. I’d appreciate a tie, and not just for the novelty. 269-269. Which matchup did you think I meant?

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We’re staying dark over the weekend. So don’t get mad when we end up with all the white girls.