This handsome and not-at-all-guido-looking gentleman is Argentine soccer legend Diego “Burrito Dos Manos” Maradona. Maradona is on the verge of being named the next head coach of the Argentine national team. Because who better to entrust with your nation’s rich football heritage than a man with limited coaching experience who has snorted enough cocaine to fill an aircraft carrier?

”My first job will be watching the players. I’ll try to talk to them one by one and then work at the training camp in Ezeiza with them.”

After carefully watching the players, Maradona plans to give them detailed instructions on how to gain 700 pounds in 3 days, contract hepatitis, become buddies with nutjob Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, temporarily die of a heart attack, drop out of a Swiss rehab clinic, and dress like a villain from a Tony Scott picture.