A man wiser than me once said, “Show me the most beautiful girl in the world, and I’ll show you a guy that’s tired of banging her.” At it sounds like Van Wilder is already getting tired of banging Scarlett Johansson (even though she still has that “new wife smell”), because he wants to run the New York City Marathon next month. You know, that race that Katie Holmes pretended to run last year.

“I saw guys coming in to finish with bleeding nipples. Why in the hell were their nipples bleeding? People were crying. People were limping, hobbling, screaming, crawling. But most importantly, people were experiencing a sublime rapture that I couldn’t even hope to understand.” (Um, dude, you better hope the new missus isn’t reading this.)

Seriously, you big freak! You’ve been married for what, ten minutes? Stay home and plow your wife. Make a few babies and give them ridiculous names. I’m fond of Canterfield Smokepussy Reynolds, myself. I should probably mention that Reynolds’ run will be raising money for Parkinson’s research. At least he’s showing apathy toward his wife for a good cause. Most of us do that with no benevolence at all.

[E? Online] [The Dish Rag]