10.06.08 RUNNING BACKS BE GOIN’ TO JAIL
Catching up with the weekend’s news: thirteen years to the day after he was acquitted of murder charges, NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson was found guilty of armed robbery and 11 other criminal charges. Simpson, 61, faces five years to life in prison.
For me, the most striking thing is that he’s 61 and going to jail. I mean, I can see killing people in your late 40s. But armed robbery at 60? Typical of a pro athlete: he didn’t know when to call it quits.
Not to be outdone, Lawrence Phillips, the troubled Nebraska standout who bounced around the NFL and CFL before hitting rock bottom, was sentenced to ten years in jail. In 2006, Phillips lost a pickup football game to a group of teenagers, prompting him to drive his car onto the field, where he struck three boys, aged 14, 15, and 19.
In court, Phillips tearfully apologized to one of the victims… “I’m sorry you have to come in here like this,” Phillips said, adding that he “wanted the chance to say I didn’t mean to hurt people.”
I don’t know if I’m feeling particularly human today or what, but these stories are kinda bringing me down. I’ve never been, but I hear prison sucks. I can only hope that these two stories convince future running backs that maybe you can get away with murder sometimes, but armed robbery and vehicular assault will catch up with you.
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There are 10 comments about:
RUNNING BACKS BE GOIN’ TO JAIL
OJ will get 5 years, serve 18 months, and kill again by 70.
And to Phillips, if hitting a bunch of kids with a car doesn’t mean that you really want to hurt them, what does?
Buttfucking them with a chainsaw?
Taking all their skin off with a belt sander?
“…but armed robbery and vehicular assault will catch up with you.”
Don’t forget coke-dealing,
-T. Henry
When Travis Henry gets in, they’ll be able to run the Wishbone. Which they will sharpen into a shiv or shank. Is it shiv or shank? Another prison-related question…should you bring your own Astroglide, or will they issue the lube?
@WDYA - it’s on the canteen that you order from once a week. two sizes. depending on your bitch status you may wanna go for the jumbo pack. also tooth paste works in a pinch.
/has said too much.
OJ was framed much like Andy Dufresne.
@ merk - toothpaste? that burns if i get it on my cheek. i don’t want to know what it will do to someone’s asshole.
i guess “the juice is loose” is going to have a whole new meaning.
@Merk: Thanks for the 411. The other advantage to toothpaste is if you toss a salad, your mouth will feel minty fresh all day long! As for my bitch status, I’m a child-abusing narc with a lisp. Is that bad?
If I were a fancy big-city newspaper writer, I would just spend the next month parked in front of the prison holding Maurice Clerett and wait for inevitable riot to break out.
Dear OJ,
OJ…NIGHTY NIGHT!!! KEEP YOUR BUTTHOLE TIGHT!!!!
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