I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make up my own.

1. Monica Bellucci.  That’s a spicy meat-a ball!

2. Al Davis.  Finally, he rid the organization of that awful coach who improved his shitty team.  And he handled the situation so delicately!  Bravo, sir.

3. Travis Henry.  When not even Mike Shanahan can use you as a running back, your only option left is interstate drug trafficking and graft.  But he should at least be able to sell th emovie rights while he’s in prison, so he’s got that going for him.  Which is nice.

4. Tom Brady and Alex Rodriguez.  Are the sports tabloid stars enjoying a budding bromance?  The preliminary nickname is Bradriguez, but I haven’t ruled out “Hunkopolis” yet.  Oh, and another thing: I promise to never use the word “bromance” ever again.

5. Carey Price.  Helluva save for a guy with a chick’s name.

6. Gilbert Arenas.  Wait a second.  Are you trying to tell me he did something eccentric?  And then blogged about it?  Well, now I’ve heard everything.

7. Roof surfing.  My favorite clip of the week.  Impeccably timed comedy CAN happen by accident.  You just need someone to be stupid enough to surf off the roof.

8. Fantasy football.  Reason enough to threaten your roommate’s life.  Especially if he picked up Lance Moore on the waiver wire ahead of you.  Bastard!

9. Hollis Thomas.  Rockin’ the SpongeBob outfit head to toe.  Kind of like a 350-pound toddler.

10. Lingerie football.  Really?  This comes after the fat man in children’s clothes?  Well, yes.  These rankings are ironclad in their lack of sense.

The video of the week is an episode of The Hills, with what passes as dialog cut out.

I hate that goddam show.