Bengals wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh isn’t completely dismayed by the the team’s horrific 0-8 start, for he knows that Cincinnati will finish the season with at least one win.

“If the season ends and we don’t win a game,” Houshmandzadeh vowed, “I will walk from my house to the NFL Network studios.” Houshmandzadeh’s house is in Cerritos, Calif., 27 miles from the NFL Network studios in Culver City. If that weren’t challenging enough, the majority of the walk would have to take place on I-405, a heavily driven interstate. … According to Google, the walking route is 25.4 miles and would take about 8 hours, 26 minutes

Well, that’s a shitty bet.  What the hell does the average Joe gain from somebody walking really far?  Give us some incentive, T.J.!  Like, “If the Bengals don’t win a game this season, I’ll get rid of this stupid pony tail that everyone hates” or “If I don’t start putting up some points for Matt’s fantasy team, I’ll get a piano dropped on my head when I’m not expecting it.”  Hint hint, asshole.

This isn’t the first time David Beckham has been caught staring at the Lakers Girls.  When it happened before, I was like, whatever, we all look at cheerleaders, that’s what they’re there for.  But that was one photo.  This is an entire gallery of him checking out the Laker Girls.  And for that I say: bravo, sir.  Look at him, practically burning holes in that blond.  If he had X-ray vision, they’d all have cancer.

[Socialite Life]

Bia and Branca Feres, the lithe, blond, young twin Brazilian synchronized swimmers who made this past summer so enjoyable, are back in the news.  Kinda.  Well, not really, but they were recently on some Brazilian game show, and they also appeared at a fashion show of some sort.  Not as models, unfortunately.

Busted Coverage, which keeps questionably legal tabs on the girls, wrote about the game show appearance:

The game show (shown last week), De Cara No Muro, pitted Bia and Branca plus some tool against two other tools and another cute Brazilian chick. The goal of the show is to make your body go through holes in a wall before being pushed into a pool.

I’m not gonna lie to you.  The content of this story may be one of the most boring things I’ve ever written about.  But it made me go back through the archives to look at this massive gallery of them. Oh, and look here: another massive gallery of them.  So in the end, it was all worth it, says my boner.

Caught up in the glee of a World Series victory last night, Philadelphians took to the streets for a wild celebration. Then they took to the lamp posts. Then the people who took to the lamp posts took hurled Grey Goose bottles to the head. Because hey, why should that guy get to climb a street light? Does he think he’s better than us?

Be sure to listen closely for the rewarding sound of frosted glass against cranium. Reminds me of that time I was in a big celebration and threw a bottle at someone. Of course, I was celebrating being the only drunk person at a MADD convention, which may explain the police’s involvement.

[Busted Coverage]

In an absolutely shocking development, John Daly, America’s golfingest alcoholic, spent a day in the drunk tank after passing out in a North Carolina Hooters.  The details:

Officers described Daly as extremely intoxicated and uncooperative. He repeated he didn’t want to go to the hospital.

Hooters employees asked Daly to leave. But Daly did not have transportation. Officers say he was part of a group traveling on a tour bus. The group left Daly behind at the Hooters because they didn’t want him to continue traveling with them.

Sounds like there are some real rocket scientists on that tour bus.  “Hey, a Hooters!  Let’s give an alcoholic with four ex-wives access to tits and beer!  Certainly we’ll want to spend the rest of the evening with such a charming raconteur in his natural environment!”

[TMZ via SbB]

The Knicks won their first game under new coach Mike D’Antonio, who has apparently introduced the team to a new style of play called “trying.”  With an up-tempo, balanced attack, the Knicks beat the new-look Heat 120-115 at Madison Square Garden.

Jamal Crawford led New York with 29 points, and five other players scored in the double digits.  Notable cancers Stephon Marbury and Eddy Curry spent the entire game on the bench, a move that sports doctors are calling “teamotherapy.”

Elsewhere in the Association: Vince Carter, elected team captain?  It’s true, and VC led the Nets past the Wizards 95-85… Eat a dick, Oklahoma City: Thunder lose in debut… Chris Paul’s self-described “ugly” game: 21 points on 9/17 shooting, 11 assists, and 5 rebounds in a New Orleans win… Lakers notch second-straight blowout win, become favorites to win championship by people who like to look eight months ahead.