I have a long and extensive personal history of gratifying myself to the ladies of pro wrestling. Miss Elizabeth. Sable. Debra’s Puppies. Stacy Kiebler. Terri Runnels (who kinda looked like a dude, but masturbators can’t be choosers!). And who can forget the day Torrie Wilson burst onto the WCW scene with her “David Flair Pool Hall POV Gonzo Porn” scene? Not my pants monkey, that’s for sure.

The WWE has done a fine job over the years building and maintaining a large stable of trashy, slutty looking women. And one their best is Maria Kanellis, who posed this week for a new pictorial for The Sun. Why, I do believe I have a foreign object hidden in my pants right now. She also gave the paper an interview. Hey, who knew women talked?

”I may kick some butt out there, but at the end of the day I’m still a girl and I still want to be treated like one. I need someone who is romantic even when I’m in my pajamas and watching some terrible movie and eating burnt popcorn.

Why are you burning the popcorn? I told you specifically to take it out of the microwave AS THE POPPING SLOWS DOWN. God, YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY SOMETIMES!

What? She said she wanted to be treated like a girl.