Following the Sooners’ 57-2 destruction of Tennessee-Chattanooga on Saturday night, two Oklahoma athletes — football player Frank Alexander and basketball player Ray Willis — were stabbed during a brawl that some called “the coolest thing to ever happen in Oklahoma.” “Some,” in this case, being me.

A helpful quote, with some text formatting added by me:

[Alexander and Willis] were stabbed over the weekend during a melee that involved guns, knives and [f-cking] TIRE IRONS [!!!], multiple sources have confirmed to The Oklahoman.

Both, fortunately, are expected to recover fully and have totally rad scars. And also:

A third victim, who is still unknown, was hit by a car during the incident, but was treated and released from the hospital, Lt. Green said.

This sounds like that time I confronted some football players in college.  I was working the door to a party, and I was all, “Hey, are you guys on the list?”  Then they pushed past me, and I was like, “Okay, you can go in.”  You better believe they didn’t cause any problems that night.