JOEY PORTER HATES THE MARKETS RIGHT NOW | With Leather - Sports news and gossip, panda sex, and the occasional Toonces the driving cat Photoshop

Joey Porter and market analysis go together like dead puppies and ice cream, so when the NFL linebacker dispensed some financial advice yesterday, we were compelled to take notice:

“I’m about to go dig a hole in my back yard and put it in my back yard where I can see it,” Porter said Monday. “I don’t like this stock stuff. I don’t like not being able [to rely on] this bond and that bond. Everything’s funny. I don’t trust nothing.”

Porter is in the second year of a five-year, $32 million contract that includes $20 million guaranteed.

The 31-year-old from Bakersfield, Calif., has been glued to the financial reports, trying to get an idea of how much he’ll have left in his portfolio. “I can’t do nothing but watch,” Porter said. [...]

“I try not to worry about it. That’s my financial advisor’s job to take care of that, but … We’re in a crisis right now. I’m just trying to hold on. At the end of the day, hopefully, he’ll tell me I’m not broke.”

Because if his financial advisor told him that, he would be the one buried in Porter’s backyard.

[that one sports network]