“Look at my striped shirt! No seriously, look at it. It’s either that or the neck fat.”

Newcastle United’s manager Kev Keegan, as much a part of the Magpies’ tradition as their black and white jerseys, quit the team last Thursday over what he perceived to be shoddy restrictions over how he ran the club. During the height of the team’s internal strife, team owner Mike Ashley was in New York dropping $216,000 on one night of partying.

The owner and three other men, including one man named only as PK, downed an amazing 175 bottles of Cristal Champagne — the club’s entire stock. They also necked 16 bottles of Dom Perignon, 29 of PJ Fleur Rose and three of Grey Goose Vodka.

Onlookers in the club on Wednesday night said Ashley was “slaughtered” and soaked from head to foot in Champagne as he sprayed £450 bottles of Cristal over his pals and handed out drinks and bottles to scantily-clad girls — getting some to pour booze into his mouth.

Big deal. I went to the liquor store and got, like, almost all their Mike’s Hard Lemonade. AND I wasn’t carded, thank you very much. Operators are standing by, ladies.

[Deuce of Davenport]