At last count, Michael Phelps had broken every swimming record in existence, including the both the mark for holding the most hookers underwater and the fastest time to induce drowning. Of course, that takes a lot out of any gawky youngster. So you have to eat about as much as Andy Reid before noon to keep going.

Phelps' diet – which involves ingesting 4,000 calories every time he sits down for a meal – resembles that of a reckless overeater rather than an Olympian.

Phelps lends a new spin to the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" by starting off his day by eating three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.

He follows that up with two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

At lunch, Phelps gobbles up a pound of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered with mayo on white bread – capping off the meal by chugging about 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For dinner, Phelps really loads up on the carbs – what he needs to give him plenty of energy for his five-hours-a-day, six-days-a-week regimen – with a pound of pasta and an entire pizza.

He washes all that down with another 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

I suppose if you want to bleed Gatorade it helps to ingest your weight in it in each sitting. But what exactly is that pasta enriched with? Anything the IOC should be interested in, champ? A three-cheese maximum has been imposed on all pasta sauces used in international competition. It's really keeping down the Italian medal count. That and sucking greasily.