There are many reasons you should never consider cycling as a desirable pursuit. Chief among them, besides the fact that it earns you the admiration of the French, is that the sports inflicts a hefty toll on your man regions. Hoping to counteract that, a pharmaceutical scientist designed for cyclist Dave Zabriskie a balm "to reduce and relieve chafing, irritation, and protect fragile perineal skin".

Then he got a 13-year-old (or Dr. Dre) to name the stuff.

Marketed with an entreaty to "protect your junk," dznuts spokesscrotum Zabriskie describes its necessity thusly:

“Proper MAINTAINTANANCE of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”

Get it!? Because the perineum is the taint. Or grundel, depending on your preference in slang terms for the area between your balls and your ass crack. So, yeah, buy the stuff or you'll be DISGRUNDELED! HEY-O!!! Hey marketing department, there's a freebee! Next one's $100.

[Deuce of Davenport]