Every summer ESPN does some bullshit feature to increase ratings that creates pointless discussion among dipshit fans, whether it's "Who's Now?" or "50 States in 50 Days." This year it's a search for the REAL "Titletown USA," because apparently ESPN has the authority to strip Green Bay of its annoying self-anointed title and give it to some other city. I mean, sure, fuck Green Bay and all, but what's the point?
Awful Announcing has compiled the full list of candidates for Titletown, and it is preposterously and unnecessarily long. Like my johnson.
Because sports fans preening about the number of championships their teams have won is essentially the most despicable thing fans regularly do, there's really no way to handle this except to look at each town's claim to the Titletown title, and call them unworthy fuckheads. Let's get started.
·Has self-proclaimed moniker as ‘Title Town’
·Home of the three-time Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers (Super Bowl I, II and XXXI)
One sports team and THREE whole championships??? Go fuck yourself, Green Bay. It's your fault this is going on at all.
·Home of the Kentucky Derby
·Birthplace of Muhammad Ali, a three-time World Heavyweight Champion and winner of the Olympic light
A horse race and a boxer. Grade: F
·University of Florida has won 21 team sport National Championships (2006 BCS Champions and 2006 and 2007 NCAA Men’s Basketball Champions); 174 SEC Championships in various sports and produced 203 Individual National Champions
And don't forget Tom Petty! No pro sports teams. Eat a dick.
·Detroit Red Wings recently won their 11th Stanley Cup
·Detroit Pistons are three-time NBA Champions (1989, 1990, 2004)
·Detroit Tigers won the World Series in 1935, 1945, 1968 and 1984
How 'bout them Lions?
·Home of the Little League World Series for 61 years, where the top youth baseball players – 13 and under – from all over the world have come to chase and live their championship dreams
Holy shit, a CHILDREN'S SPORTS TOURNAMENT?!?! Stop the voting, this thing is over.
·16 NBA titles and 19 conference titles (Celtics)
·Though the Patriots’ chase for a perfect NFL season was derailed by their Super Bowl XLII loss to the Giants, six AFC championships and three Super Bowl victories in four years reflect a dynasty
·Seven World Series titles by the Red Sox, including two in the last four years
Go ahead, make Boston "Titletown." That's what the terrorists want.
·Professional sports team titles: Lakers – 9; Dodgers – 5; L.A. Raiders – 1; L.A. Rams – 1; L.A. Galaxy – and L.A. Sparks – 2
·College team titles: UCLA – 122; USC – 107, plus seven Heisman Trophy winners
Let's see here… Lakers: stolen from Minnesota. Dodgers: stolen from Brooklyn. Raiders and Rams: left for Oakland and St. Louis, respectively. Oh but hey, the soccer and women's basketball teams are organic to the city. Next.
·Ohio State football program has won seven national titles and over 30 Big Ten titles and feature more than 100 All-Americans
·Ohio State’s seven Heisman Trophy winners are tied with USC for most by any school
The case for "Titletown" is predicated on Ohio State? Jesus, at least I could keep a straight face during Gainesville's pitch.
·University of North Carolina has won 33 NCAA team National championships in six different sports (ninth all-time) and 51 individual National Championships
·Women’s soccer program has won 18 National Championships since 1982 and the men’s program won in 2001
Oh, NINTH all-time? Sure, there are eight colleges that are more deserving, but let's give it to Chapel Hill on a whim.
·University of Michigan has won 52 national titles in 12 different sports
·Michigan football program leads the Big Ten with 42 championships
·University of Michigan hockey team has won 10 NCAA titles
Hey college towns: enjoy this steaming plate of cock, then get a pro sports team.
San Francisco/Bay Area
·San Francisco 49ers have won five Super Bowls
·Oakland Raiders have won nine AFC Championships, three AFC Championships and two Super Bowl Championships
And yet, no mention of the A's, Giants, or Warriors. Or the numerous titles taken by the country's most aggressive filthy panhandlers.
·Steelers won five Super Bowls (1974, ’75, ’78, ’79, 2005)
·Pirates won five World Series (1909, ’25, ’60, ’71, ’79)
·Two Stanley Cups for the Penguins (1991 and ’92)
·University of Pittsburgh Panthers won five National Football Championships (1910, ’16, ’18, ’37, ’76)
A well-rounded submission from Shitsburgh. Perhaps a "Titletown" sign will draw back some of the mass exodus of Steelers fans who've left the Iron City to go ANYWHERE ELSE in the country.
·The Tennessee Volunteer football program has 47 bowl appearances (second among all schools), won six National Championships and has the highest winning percentage of any team in major college football
·Women’s basketball program has won eight National Championships including the last two
·Football program has ranked in top three in attendance for 32 consecutive seasons
Oh, they've got attendance titles. Do you get a trophy for that? Will it fit in your ass?
·The Valdosta Wildcats hold the record for most wins in high school football with 838
·Wildcats record includes 23 Georgia State Championships and six National Championships
What the fuck is Valdosta? Lick my taint.
·Parkersburg High School has 21 state wrestling titles, 36 boys’ and girls’ state tennis titles, 11 state football titles, 11 volleyball titles, 11 state golf titles, and 14 basketball titles
Wow, way to go, high school team I've never heard of.
·Chicago Bulls won six NBA Championships led by one of the greatest players ever – Michael Jordan
·Chicago Bears have won nine NFL Championships and one Super Bowl
·Chicago White Sox have won three World Series and the Chicago Cubs have won two
·Chicago Blackhawks are three-time Stanley Cup winners
It's the Second City for a reason.
·James A. Naismith, inventor of basketball, coached at Kansas University (KU)
·Legendary men’s college basketball coaches – Dean Smith (University of North Carolina) and Adolph Rupp (Kentucky) – played on KU teams
·KU men’s basketball team has produced 36 20-win seasons, eight 35-win seasons, 15 first-team all-Americans, 142 first-team all-conference selections and 73 first round draft picks
Yeah, it's called Titletown, not Inventytown. Naismith's coaching record sucked.
·Stanford University has won 13 consecutive Director’s Cup Trophies for the best overall athletic program in the nation
·Through 2007 winter sports season, Stanford has won 108 National Championships, 95 of which are team championships (58 men’s titles and 37 women’s titles)
·Stanford’s 37 women title’s are more than any other school
·Stanford has more than 400 individual NCAA titles
Nice tree, assholes. See: College towns, gay
·Massillon Washington High has 780 victories (3rd all-time in the nation), 22 Ohio State Championships, 20 undefeated seasons and 9 National Championships (more than any high school football program in the country)
·NFL Hall of Famer Paul Brown is from Massillon
"It's like Ohio State, but a high school!" Congratufuckinlations, you still suck.
·New York Yankees have won 26 World Championships since 1923
·Eight Stanley Cup titles: four by the N.Y. Rangers and four by the N.Y. Islanders
·New York Knicks have won two NBA titles
·Defending Super Bowl champions, the New York Giants have won four NFL titles and three Super Bowl championships and the New York Jets have won one Super Bowl
New York's already insufferable enough about its food and nightlife and theater and art and architecture and blah blah blah. It hardly needs sports on its list of things to be annoying about.