Mwahaha! Sling me your best velocityball, you unreconstructed reprobate!

AL – The Yankees and Red Sox shitshow has come to another blissful, albeit temporary, close with the Red Sox avoiding a sweep in Fenway with a 9-2 win Sunday. Manny Ramirez, signaling that he doesn't want Brett Favre to hog all the frenetic bullshit speculative coverage from the media by expressing interest in a trade, wetn 3-for-5 with two doubles and two RBIs. David Ortiz also had his first homer since returning to the lineup…The Twins pulled within 2 1/2 games of the White Sox thanks to a two-run rally in the 9th of a 4-2 win against the Indians. This on the eve of a four-game set at home against Chicago…The Orioles won their first Sunday game of the season since April 6, upending Ervin Santana and the Angels 5-2. If Sundays stopped sucking, then Mondays go back to being insufferable. You had a good thing going…In helping to A's to a 6-5 win over the Rangers, Brad Ziegler broke a 101-year-old record for most scoreless innings by a pitcher to begin a career. See? Even arcane records you don't care about are meant to be broken.

NL – Johan Santana was an Albert Pujols' solo shot away from a complete game shutout over the Cards. The Mets' ace provided needed respite to New York's bullpen, which logged eight innings the day before, to keep the team a game up on the Phillies…The Nats, owners of the MLB's worst offense, deployed the full force of their bats. Sure, they got blanked again, but they also got five whole hits! You know the Dodgers felt that…The Brewers stay atop of NL Central proved a brief one after Milwaukee lost to Houston and the Cubs bested the Marlins to reclaim sole possession of the division lead.

Whatnot – Goose Gossage was formally inducted into Cooperstown, though officials at the Mustache Hall of Fame sniffed and mentioned they got him in decades ago…Philly wins a sports title! But it's the Arena Bowl. Beggers and battery tossers can't be choosers. And now Cleveland assumes complete whining rights.