Howdy, folks, this is Vince AKA Lance Martini from FilmDrunk writing. Seeing as how I’m something of an authority on sweaty man pummelry, I decided to ask Mayor Dickweed here if I could contribute some MMA content. To my surprise and delight, his response was an enthusiastic “Meh, whatever.” And here we are!
UFC 85 - Saturday, Saturday, Saturday!
The festivities start at 3 p.m. ET (live from the O2 Arena in London) and will be rebroadcast on PPV and at YahooSports.com at 10 p.m. ET. Here’s a handy list of establishments where you can watch the action while enjoying a frosty beverage. Personally, I'll be holding court at one of the NYC locations, say hi if you're in the vicinity. I'm the big guy with the cauliflower ear and the vacant stare – if you see me, be sure to grab me roughly by the shoulder and say, "What the fuck's your problem, dicksniffer?" as that is my preferred greeting.
Main Event: 170 lbs. Matt Hughes (42-6) vs. Thiago Alves (14-3) Odds: Hughes -220
Thiago Alves doesn't have the name recognition of Chuck Liddell, Shogun Rua, Rashad Evans, or even James Irvin – all guys who were scheduled to fight in the main event at some point – but judging by his KO over former top contender Karo Parisyan at Fight Night in April (watch it here), maybe he deserves to. This one should be classic striker vs. wrestler, with Hughes trying not to get punched and Alves trying not to get bodyslammed. Much as I normally hate Matt Hughes' arrogant, bumpkin meatheadery, and thus enjoy watching him get punched in the face, his career's not over just because he lost to the best guy in the division twice. He's been training to fight a better striker than Alves since March of last year, and if his heart's in it, I don't see him losing to a guy who couldn't avoid getting taken down by Parisyan. My prediction: Hughes by ground and pound in the second, and that I'll be drunk by the time this comes on.
Undercards (though I'm more excited for most of these than the main event)
265 lbs. Brandon Vera (8-1) vs. Fabricio Werdum (10-3-1) Odds: Vera -200
A classic Filipino vs. Brazilian matchup – it'll probably come down to who has the best knife skills. Haha, jk, lol! …I'd rather this be Vera-Arlovski but I've been waiting to see Vera in action for the better part of a year now so I'll take what I can get. Both guys have solid Jiu-Jitsu, Vera probably has the edge in striking (though Werdum is clearly a seasoned bitch-slapper). Vera's only loss is to Tim Sylvia, to whom he was giving up six inches and 40 pounds. Plus he's Filipino and everyone knows those fuckers fight dirty. Prediction: Vera by KO.
185 lbs. Michael Bisping (15-1) vs. Jason Day (17-5) Odds: Bisping -350
Yeah, I've never heard of Jason Day either. But he's beaten David Loiseau, Alan Belcher, and Jonathan Goulet – all of whom I have heard (I've got good ears). Without much confidence in my decision, I'm picking the upset on this one. Bisping's moderately favored, but to my knowledge he's never beaten a really solid striker, and Day's previous victories suggest that that's what he is. Then again, it's Brit vs. Canadian so they may just settle this with a cup of tea and a handshake.
170 lbs. Mike Swick (11-2) vs. Marcus Davis (14-3) Odds: Just about even
Now this could be a good fight. Swick's a former top contender at 185 and Davis, a former pro boxer, is coming off a huge knockout – his 11th straight win – over Jess Liaudin (watch it here) . Both guys are primarily stand-up fighters. My first instinct is to say they nullify each other on the feet and Swick wins it on the ground, but Swick looked like shit in his last fight and Davis looked awesome in his. Still, I'm gonna go with Swick because "The Irish Handgrenade" is just a really stupid nickname.
185 lbs. Nate Marquardt (26-7) vs. Thales Leites (12-1) Odds: Marquardt -170
Don't know much about Leites because he hasn't fought many people anyone's heard of (watch his last fight here). Marquardt's fought pretty much everyone, including Jeremy Horn (win), Dean Lister (win), and Anderson Silva (loss). Plus, he's American. I'm picking Marquardt. FUCK YEAH!
May Not be Televised:
185 lbs. Martin Kampmann (15-2) vs. Jorge Rivera (15-6)
205 lbs. Jason Lambert (23-7) vs. Luis Arthur Cane (7-1)
155 lbs. Thiago Tavares (13-1) vs. Matt Wiman (9-3)
170 lbs. Jess Liaudin (12-9) vs. Paul Taylor (8-3-1)
265 lbs. Antoni Hardonk (6-4) Vs. Eddie Sanchez (10-1) [Hehe, har-DONK! -L.M.] [Or with some simple punctuation: Hard-on. K? -L.M.]
Fingers crossed for some barn burners, but I'm a simple man. I'll be happy as long as someone gets hurt.
UPDATE: Thiago Alves failed to make weight – by four fucking pounds. The fight will go on, but Alves will probably take a huge pay cut. Way to go, lardass.
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soooo… when will ufford's review of kunfu panda be on on FD?
Matt Hughes is going to fuck this guy up, Hughes is pissed. GSP lost to hughes once, he did beat Hughes twice, but whatever, if they fought again its not like GSP would be a huge favorite.
Meathead?
I hope Ufford can someday move on to the title of Governor Cockgobbler.
This is like that time Kirk Cameron was a guest on Full House.
That tattoo makes Thiago look like a whore.
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!! Network crossover!!! What's next, Ufford getting exclusive nudie pics of Lauren Conrad?!?!?!
Goddamn Pikey. 10,000 words or less. My eyes hurt enough already from squinting at the midget porn.
Where is Birfday Dawg!!?!?!?!!
I think these picks are bias, due to the fact that Lance makes his decisions based on who's the cuter fighter.
hmmm….two half naked guys, no half naked women. i must have typed in the wrong website address.
Faggotry on a hitherto undreamt of scale.
you're aware that, much like "19-0" and "three-peat" there are royalties for the use of the phrase "mayor dickweed" right? i accept royalty payments in the form of cash, money order, xanax, and coke.
When's the scary-looking negro figthing again? Sambo something…?
Plus he's Filipino and everyone knows those fuckers fight dirty.
But their whores are soooo cheap.
Mayor Dickweed. Ha! Well, I like the informed crossover opinion. And Mayor Dickweed used to write movie reviews in his pre-withleather days. I'd welcome the crossover collaboration. I wish BJ Penn was fighting Hughes smug ass.
HughesHughes' – Fuck all you grammarians who make me feel obligated to fix that…ihope,
why, so bj could be hilariously winded by the third round and get beat on again?
why, so bj could be hilariously winded by the third round and get beat on again?
To be fair, he had a broken rib by that point. But fairness is for commies.
I love the name of this Miami location: Booby Trap (Hotties) 305 477-2176
Is there a place called "Booby Trap (Fat Chicks)"?
Didn't that dude on the left fight Brad Pitt at the end of Snatch?
Haha Thaigo didn't make weight, what a fatass
BJ was absolutely out of shape in that fight, on top of the injury. I'm not excusing that fight at all; BJ was trying to get by just on ability, not training. But now Penn is in great shape and would certainly take Hughes. Penn was already a great fighter, but now with his cardio up to championship level, he would be a favorite. Anyone who watched him in his last few fights has to admit he's a different and better BJ Penn. Too bad I'm a haolie, thus earning his permanent disdain. If you want to learn more, go to bjpenn.com! ha!
Which NYC location?
As long as Joe Rogan manages to squeeze the phrase "rape choke" into the commentary at some point, we're all winners.
Oh my God. Could you be a bigger fucking jinx, Lance? Did you put your mortgage on Big Brown too?