Kristin Cavallari, whose name I almost always write "calamari," was the focal of a show called Laguna Beach, which I was certain was the stupidest fucking thing ever put on television.  I even said to myself, "Self, there's no possible way MTV can make a stupider, more pointless show than this."  Then MTV made The Hills.  Touché, MTV.  Well played.

Kristin showed up at the Irie Weekend Celebrity Golf Tournament in Miami this past weekend.  Other "celebrities" in attendance included Kevin Federline, Nick Cannon, Danny Masterson (more like ASSterson!  Yeah!), and Brody Jenner.  And if you know who all those people are, you know that it's really too bad Miami wasn't consumed by fire and swallowed into the ocean this weekend.  I know it's a fun city to party in and all that, but I think we can agree that it would have been worth it.

Anyway, Kristin's looking pretty good for a stereotypical attractive blonde girl.  You can tell she's a serious golfer because she's wearing her nicest pair of wedges.  Hey, maybe they're her SAND WEDGES!  (…no?  All right, I'll show myself out.)

[Banned in Hollywood] 

College kids, as they are wont to do, create drinking games based on events they watch as a collective. It's a way to make some fun out of all the drinking they're doing anyway. In the case of the NBA Draft, a few have sprung up seizing on Jay Bilas' frequent describing players as "long" or having "upside". The ESPN analyst has caught wind of such games and enforced a self-imposed moratorium on using the trigger words. Because he's a dick.

I am aware of the drinking games that are based upon the use of such terms, and I did my level best to reduce binge drinking across the country. We all have to do what we can. Instead of "long," I used the terms "length," "stretch," "elongated," "extend" and the ever-popular "considerable linear extent in space." With one player, I stated that his arms "extend beyond normal or moderate limits."

Whaddayaknow? Someone who went to Duke is an uptight cockcramp. Also, people who use the idiom "level best" in conversation are only able to do so because they've tightened their sphincter to an airlock that would rival a space shuttle. Most drinking games based around television broadcasts have a wide range of things that require the viewer to drink. Seldom are they based on one talking head's commentary. So while Bilas may have stopped someone from having eight beers as opposed to, say, having nine, him getting drunker and drunker on his own sanctimony is an addiction to goes unchecked. 

Ah, slow-motion: the greatest thing to happen to the Internet since people having sex on camera.

Here we have video of what appears to be a high school basketball game, and why it's important for Susie Cheerleader not to spend the time between cheers eye-fucking Danny Motorcycle in the stands.  I don't want to give anything away, but here's a hint: she gets nailed in the head and goes down like a sack of potatoes on prom night.  And yes, I stand by my simile.

Georgia mascot Uga VI, also known as Uga V's Whatchagot Loran (Giterdone Masterson being taken by a rival southern school), died Friday as Orson Swindle described most Georgians will: "pantsless, lacking a high school degree, and suffering from a heart attack." Unlike the rest of the Peach Staters, maybe save Jimmy Carter, he's getting himself one a' them classy like interments.

Like his five predecessors, Uga VI will be interred in specially-built marble vault built into the side of the south grandstands just inside the main gate of the southwest side of the stadium. According to UGA, it is the only school that buries its mascots within the confines of the stadium.

As of Sunday afternoon, there were nearly 600 entries in Uga VI's guestbook on ajc.com.

Most were from Georgia fans offering condolences to the Seilers and thanking them for their efforts. Then there was "Lucy," who claimed to be a Maltese from North Port, Fla.

"Arf, arf, old friend," she wrote.

Nice to see one of his old bitches checking in on the 'tubes. Except "arf" isn't really a bark of despair. It's pretty upbeat, almost buoyant. Like maybe this dog had a thing for Whatchagot. They shared a fleeting moment, a mutual sniff of the anus, but he just couldn't commit to a different breed in a different state. Lucy has held onto that spite, allowing it to twist her emotions. Maybe she'll never let it do.

Yeah, I'm concocting narratives for dogs. My life is turning more into Half Baked everyday.

This doughty pogoist hath attempted to get maximum flippage onto an awaiting second pogo stick, thus earning him the eternal respect of the pogo community and first choice from the package of Flav-R-Ice in the freezer.  Such fierce competition for the grape flavor has turned brother against brother. When the younger child tries to minister to his brother's potential injury, he's rebuffed with a shrill "DON'T TOUCH ME!" A canny stratagem from the oldest child, who knows sympathy can be invoked for free bites of his frozen dessert. Some may point to this as a telling moment when the younger brother is later found in the same freezer.

to debut All In: The Poker Musical in Las Vegas.  Oh yes, you read that correctly.

Created by Tim Molyneux, with support from Phil Hellmuth and the World Series of Poker, this is the first poker-themed musical and the first musical to be developed in conjunction with a leading sports brand.  Echoing the core values and fabric that makes up poker players, this new genre of entertainment is a first for Las Vegas.

You know, breaking new ground in a musical genre isn't necessarily a good thing.  Anyone else remember Cop Rock? 

The story of All In: The Poker Musical revolves around the final nine players at the Main Event of the World Series Of Poker and, just like in the real WSOP, these players come from all walks of life. These clearly identifiable characters sing songs that are interlaced with poker analogies, quotes, and situations that also apply to the game of life.

Hmmm.  On one hand, it wouldn't be fair of me to say this is going to be awful unless I saw it first.  On the other hand, I don't think I should have to suffer through it just so I can say it sucks.  Guess I'm gonna have to be unfair again.

[Deuce of Davenport]