THE KENTUCKY DERBY WAS… BLAM!
05.05.08
Big Brown ran away with the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, taking charge from the outside post and winning by almost five lengths to reel in over $1.4 million for his owners. Second prize was you're dead.
In an extremely sad day for people who think horses are amazing, beautiful animals, Eight Belles — the only filly in the Derby — finished second (as predicted by KD) and was euthanized on the track immediately after the race when she broke both ankles or forelegs or whatever those horse bones are called. As you can imagine, PETA is pissed. PETA also hates jokes, freedom, and orgasms, though, so fuck them.
(Dr. Larry Bramlage awkwardly breaks the news of Eight Belles's death live to millions of people after the jump.)
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I was watching this on Saturday. The news of Eight Belles sent me reeling.
It's about time a major sporting event adopted the "win or die" idea I've been advocating for years.
Should've been you Colonel John.
/lost money on that horse
Wait, I thought second place was steak knives?
Off to the glue factory. And dog food. And possibly sperm donation center. And Hollywood for a quick movie.
In happier derby related news I did win a few bucks on Denis of Cork.
I wish they would do this with football players.
Way to show the celebrating family immediately after you announce the death of the horse. What's with the guy holding the bag? "Yeah, Man!" Douchebag.
I honestly thought that the next Phillie to die would be Jamie Moyer or Charlie Manual. Boy, is my face red.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……
No sir, I didn't like it.
This is absolutely an American tragedy. A somber, somber day.
What? No, not because some fucking horse died, but because we have to rehash six months of Barbaro-style douchebaggery and bullshit now from pussies and hicks nationwide. Fuck.
I know you think that big blue hat is keeping me from oogling your tits. It's not.
somewhere michael vick is sitting in a prison cell with a very confused look on his face
@winslow: brilliant insight. seriously.
/slow clap.
Mickael Vick's Lawyer < Worst Lawyer in History
I don't think a filly is going to the sperm donation center Swany.
When a horse dies fighting another horse I'll be outraged.
This is why they shouldn't let females do anything
ROger Clemens' Lawyer < Michael Vick's Lawyer
Third prize, sex with Barbra Walters.
Sarah Jessica Parker refuses to run anywhere now….
My friend Jay Reimanschneider eats horse all the time, he gets it from hit butcher.
….. And in financial news Elmer's stock price rose today on the announcement of it's new line of Elite series glue.
Surprisingly this is the same story I told the cops after I broke both my girlfriends ankles.
@ t3minator
I'd take 2nd places and kill myself w/the steak knives.
Is it just me or does that kind of look like the Paris Hilton statue? I mean, it is on its back with legs spread…
@Tim: I have christened her Big Blue.
I don't get it, though. When he was talking about implants, he wasn't talking about Big Blue?
On a side note…Tonya Harding was located running away from the scene with a club in hand….
So I don't pay attention to the derby because it's for rich gay douchebag snobs in stupid hats, but since when does a broken ankle require a death sentence? Have they not invented casts for horse tibias yet? You would think that, since Barbaro merited the full attention of half the American medical establishment, this horse could have gotten a fucking splint on its ankle.
@Cock, its not whether they can or can't mend the bone. The pain the horses are in apparently is so excruciating that the only humane thing to do is to put the horses down.
I wish the same treatment applied to fat softballers who can't leg out home runs.
Now was this a Me, Myself & Irene style euthanization?
@Scoonie: Put up a friggin' fence and maybe I can lead the league in something other than long doubles.
@UU: thanks, now I can't say I never learned anything about equestrian medicine at With Leather. On a serious note, are there really no painkillers that can alleviate the pain? I know a broken ankle hurts, but that's amazing.
Also, for future reference, feel free to use "@Flash" or "@Flashy" in lieu of "@Cock". Whenever someone does that I think they're pissed at me.
@ Cock – UU is right.
In addition, in their lower legs, horses have very little muscle and blood vessel tissue, so its damned near impossible for them to heal from such an injury, even with a splint or a cast.
Add to that the fact the legs need to be load bearing while broke and the knacker really is the most humane thing to do.
Oh, and F- PETA and Bill Rhoden sideways with a chainsaw.
@Flashy, will CF work? I wasn't pissed at you and calling you a cock. If there was a way to save these animals I'm sure they would.
Hmm, with that in mind, it makes winslow's vick comparison more apt.
Nice explanation Sean
@UU: I was just playing around with the Cock. No, wait….
Swany, I think it is the same "artist"
@ UU
Thanks. I learned that stuff where Man O' War suffered his only loss. To a horse named Upset, and in place called … Saratoga
/Ends juvenile inside joke and remembrance of a misspent youth.
only about 12 weeks until opening day up here Sean.
Eight Belles regrets that she has but one life to give up for fat, rich, white guys to gamble on.
For $1 will you spin for me so I can get 12 of whatever FourStarDave memorial tchotchke they're handing out?
$1? I think general admission is up to $3 these days.
Bastards! Though to paraphrase Gary Templeton "If I ain't startin' (with Box Seats), I ain't departin'."
Hillary Clinton compared herself and her candidacy to that of the only filly, Eight Belles, in the race on Saturday. (I swear it's true, google it)
Eight Belles finished 2nd, lost to "Big Brown", broke both front ankles and was euthanized on the track.
If Hillary sprains a cankle anytime soon, I'd like to ask her for some advice on the stock market.
Holy shit empee, that is so fucking awesome.
In happier news, I made a fucking fortune for betting that a horse would die during the derby. I'm rich, bitch!! I bet all those suckers who called me and idiot and a monster feel stupid now!!
And also, this proves once and for all that Men Are Better Than Women(.com)
The glue made from this horse is gonna be quick drying… HA HA
ok i'll let myself out
@ Punch
+1 for the Ren and Stimpy reference
Saw it happen from the Infield. I do have to say I was acting much more like the son of Big Brown's Owner – "YEAH, WE WON THE DERBY!" We didn't hear until right before the 11th Race that Eight Bells was put down.
She was treated like any other female must be treated.
If she breaks her front legs (arms on human), then she's no use to anyone. She can't cook, wash dishes, do laundry, clean or fetgh beers. When that time comes, the most humane thing to do is to put her down and buy another.