Red Auerbach won 16 NBA titles — a record nine as a coach, and seven more as president of the Celtics. In a nutshell, he's one of the most legendary, influential, and respected figures the game of basketball has ever known.
And he thinks Manu Ginobili is a fucking bitch, too. High-five, Red.
[Bullets Forever via friggin' everywhere]
Dude's been married barely a month, and he's already going to the Sex and the City premiere. America, take note: this is your reigning Super Bowl MVP. Nine out of ten 1840s plantation owners agree: that dude is more whipped than anyone they own.
(Full image here.)
As the National Spelling Bee rages on, I have an honest confession: I was once a semi-serious competitive speller. I was a lock to win my school's spelling bee every year, and I definitely aspired to go to the National Bee (this was before it was televised and overrun with Indian kids who are way smarter than I ever was). You can see the lingering effects of my past in the over-edited text of this blog; posts often get tweaked three or four times as I correct typos. It's also why I'm going to punch Tunison in the balls if he doesn't start copy editing his work better.
Point is, nothing about the spelling bee is particularly worthy of sports coverage. It's a bunch of kids with freakish skills for rote memorization and word etymology, working against cruel chance. It's not a bad way to learn an appreciation of language, but speaking from experience: kids, go outside. Trust me on this one. You don't want to end up like me.
Oh yeah, and here's the only spelling bee "highlight" that will ever be worth watching. At least until some kid pisses himself onstage. /crosses fingers
As much as a human being can enjoy anything, I enjoyed the Lakers' dismantling the Spurs. I think I like the Spurs losing more than I like any team winning. I get shivers thinking about how wonderful it was. Mmmm-MM! This hatred is delicious. Try some. Here, have some of mine. I've got plenty.
Unfortunately, the downside to the Lakers' outstanding play — and it really is fun to watch, between the team's high-energy attack, quick ball movement, and Kobe's overarching excellence — is that we are now subjected to lingering crowd shots of the famous and pseudo-famous. Hollywood stars! They're just like us! They like basketball, too! They can afford impossible-to-obtain courtside seats worth thousands of dollars on a mere whim!
So, here we are. Denzel and Puffy. Adam Sandler and Baron Davis — apparently someone was owed a favor for endorsing You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Cameron Diaz and… Antonio Banderas? WTF? Dr. Dre, still wearing his khakis with a cuff and a crease with his jeans on and his team strong. And Dopey Maguire, who could live comfortably for the rest of his life without ever working again because someone wanted Spider-Man to be an average-looking douchebag with a quivering voice. Fuck me.
Oh, and the pock-marked villain from Grease was there, too. I wonder which Spur he blew to get ourtside.
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NBA - WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [inhales] WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOO! Sorry, it's only so often you get to celebrate the ousting of a team as eminently unlikable as the Spurs. Granted, they came into Game 5 in L.A. down 3-1 in the series, but we know this team to be a scrappy, if whiny and charisma-less, bunch. The erstwhile defending champs came out strong, taking a 28-15 lead after the opening quarter, but then Kobe grew tired of filming fake Jackass stunts and got down to the bidness of scoring 39 points, 17 of them in the 4th quarter. Now we're a Boston win away from a never-before-seen Celtics-Lakers Finals. How have they avoided each other for so long? Seriously, though, it'll revive all of Bill Simmons' childhood fantasies, except with more black guys starting for Boston. So, nothing like Bill Simmons' fantasies at all.
MLB - Hey, the Yankees and the Red Sox didn't play. Must not've been any baseball yesterday, right ESPN? Wait, what's this: Joe Torre make an emotional return to a New York team he hasn't coached for a quarter century. How pregnant with sentiment. Enough so to lose 8-4, but pensively…Albert Pujols puts off administering bodily harm to opposing players to put the hurt on the baseball for the deciding homer in a 3-2 win over the Astros…That hot Royals start, uh, it seems like a long time ago, doesn't it? KC drops its 11th in a row with a 5-1 loss to the Twins. It marks the fourth such time the Royals've done that since the beginning of the 2005 season, which amounts to three more hot flashes of futility than any other team… Those darling first-place Tampa Bay Rays That Were Formerly Associated With The Devil drew a whopping 12,636 fans to see their 5-1 loss to the White Sox. So if Tampa makes the playoffs, can we expect 14 thou? 14,500? And probably only then if tickets are free with a purchase of a cheesesteak Hot Pocket at Publix.
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