Anyone show me to the nearest Petsmart?

Amidst all this talk of potential labor strife and rookie salary capping, The Atlanta Falcons signed Matt Ryan to a six-year deal yesterday that would make me hate my life if it weren't for the fact that I don't consider professional athletes to be real human beings, and that's not necessarily an insult. 

Ryan became the second top draft choice to sign when he accepted a six-year, $72 million contract that included $34.75 million in guarantees. Less than a week before the draft, tackle Jake Long signed a five-year, $57.75 million deal with the Miami Dolphins.

The announcement of the new deal came with smiles, confident talk of the future and no mention of Michael Vick, the first pick in 2001 who signed a $130 million extension, the richest in the league at the time, in December 2005.

And then, just for fun, they measured his height again and everyone there had an orgasm in their respective pantaloons. I'm just not expecting him to be much of a pro quarterback. Yeah, he had that last-second conquest over Virginia Tech, but so did that one Asian kid. Granted, he had a bad 40 time, but his completion percentage was off the nozzle. 

[ESPN, home of the new erotic sports film series, E:69, coming this fall]