Legendary AC Milan striker Ronaldo — the fat Brazilian Ronaldo who loves hookers, not the good-looking Portuguese Ronaldo who loves hookers — went out looking for a good time the other night and got himself three hookers.  Problem was, there was a little bit of, uh, false advertising.

Police said that the incident began when Ronaldo discovered he was dealing with transvestites instead of women and was reportedly infuriated. Carlos Augusto Nogueira, a police inspector, said that Ronaldo admitted he knew they were prostitutes when they met but did not realise they were transvestites until they reached the motel.

“He admitted to everything, he wanted to have fun,” Nogueira said. “But he committed no crime at all, it was immoral at best.” Prostitution is not illegal in Brazil. “Ronaldo said he is not good in the head and that he is going through psychological problems because of his recent [knee] surgery,” Nogueira added.

I don't see what the big deal is.  I mean, they were believable transvestites, right?  They're already with you at the hotel.  Might as well go through with it.  He could've probably even gotten a discount, what with, you know, none of them having vaginas.

[Machochip] 

These gruesome photos come from Track and Field News:

Stanford’s Alicia Follmar took a hard fall on the leadoff leg of the Penn women’s distance medley. While she was on the ground, Follmar took a spike to the head but got up to finish a gutsy 3rd, the same position in which her team ultimately finished behind Michigan and Tennessee.

I'm glad they renamed it "women's distance medley."  The "escape from my apartment" event was drawing fewer and fewer entrants every year.

[sportsBYbrooks] 

If MasterCard, Sprint, and Gatorade commercials have taught me anything, it's that Peyton Manning is a nice, charming guy who just wants us to be hydrated while paying for great telecommunications services with a versatile, widely accepted credit card.  But this Manning commercial is kinda weird.  I'm not even sure what he's selling.  He's just yelling and swearing a lot.  Does he want me to join the Marines?  Because I tried that already.  Don't let Peyton sell you on that sweet dress uniform, man.  You'll wear Kevlar and a flak jacket a hell of a lot more than you will those dress blues.  And as much as the Corps is trying to embrace new technology, they're still not issuing laser rocket arms.

[FanHaus] 

Steelers kicker Jeff Reed gets photographed drunk or drunk and shirtless or drunk and exposing his genitals every other week, so I guess this isn't the biggest news you'll see all day.  But still, it's good to see him relaxing in Vegas and proving once and for all that a man can pull off wearing a tiara and pink bibs and sashes — but only if he clenches his jaw and sticks his lips out.  If young Jersey guidos have taught us anything, it's that the modified Blue Steel look is the surest way to tell a camera, "I'm a fuckin' badass, yo."  No, wait.  Not "fuckin' badass."  "Witless douchebag" is what I meant to write.  I always get those two mixed up.

[Kissing Suzy Kolber] 

Yesterday the New York Daily News revealed that former MLB ace Roger Clemens had a ten-year affair with country star Mindy McCready that began when she was 15 and he was 28, married, and the father of two.  The Daily News didn't specify when the relationship turned sexual, but Clemens — having lied about, oh, everything else in his life — issued the standard "we were just friends" denial yesterday.  Because 28-year-old married guys always have platonic friendships with high school girls.

Today, McCready joined the growing list of people to note that Clemens's pants are, indeed, on fire.

McCready confirmed a long-term affair with embattled pitcher Roger Clemens. "I cannot refute anything in the story," a tearful but resolute McCready told the Daily News [...]

"Yes, I have known Roger Clemens for a long time [in the Biblical sense, heh heh -Ed.]," McCready said, reading from a prepared statement. "He's a kind and caring man. He's also a legendary athlete. The central topic in the debate, however, regards his professional life, not his personal life… From my point of view, that is where the focus should remain."

She then added, "And be sure to buy watch my new reality show, Mending Mindy, which ironically just began filming.  Who would have thought that this would come to light just as I was trying to get more publicity and material for my show?  What a crazy coincidence.  Anyhoo, I better get back to my drugs.  I mean laundry.  I'm doing a load of laundry."

Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor is apparently still on Dancing with the Stars, and last night he danced to the Monday Night Football theme.  If you think that doing a samba to the MNF theme sounds like a bad idea, wait until you see his eye black.  I couldn't even look directly at this video.  I watched it with my peripheral vision, because eye contact with my monitor just didn't feel right. 

Right now there are writers for The Office getting fired for not coming up with scenes this awkward.