Before Demetrius Bell was drafted in the seventh round by the Buffalo Bills, his closest tie to the world of professional sports was through his absentee father, legendary Jazz forward Karl Malone.  They didn't meet until Bell was 18, when Malone told him "it was too late to be his father, and that Bell would have to 'earn his money on his own.'"

And then there's this nugget from Allan Wilson of the Buffalo News:

[Demetrius's] mother, Gloria Bell, reportedly was only 13 years old and Malone a college sophomore at Louisiana Tech when Demetrius was born. Malone might have served jail time had her family asked the district attorney to file criminal charges.

Hold on, hold on, I'm using my calculator.  13 years, minus nine months of pregnancy, carry the one… Wow.  If Wilson's claim is correct, then there's a 75% chance that Karl Malone slept with a 12-year-old when he was in college.  And a 100% chance he's a child molester.  Dude, even in Louisiana, 13-year-old girls are still just kids.  They don't blossom into sex objects until at least 14.

[FanHaus] 

As recompense for all the news about the fat Ronaldo's misadventures with women-but-not-women, I thought we could use a sexy update on the other Ronaldo's main squeeze.

As previously noted, Man U striker Cristiano Ronaldo is dating Spanish nurse/aspriring model Nereida Gallardo.  The new-old bikini shots on the right are from British girls-next-door Kickette, while the image on the left shows off Nereida's new haircut — as well as some earrings I hope she got after they started dating.

The 24-year-old Spanish model sported a specially-designed 'R7'logo diamond earring, in honour of her striker boyfriend Ronaldo, who wears United number 7 shirt.

Continuing the Wag tradition for bad taste fashion, Nereida, was seen at Old Trafford with the rather large earring sparkling in her ear as she turned up to watch United triumph over Barcelona in the Champion's League semi-final.

The tacky accessory was all the more obvious as the aspiring model has cropped her brunette locks into a Posh-style bob, further evidence that she is straying in full-on Wag territory.

A much better accessory?  Huge boobs.  Those never go out of style.

meat-sticks instead of Hot Pockets, if you know what I'm saying.  And I think you do.  Because you heard it yesterday.

Today we get more word of Ronaldo, as well as photos of one of the lovely she-dudes he picked up.  There's also a report that Ronaldo's girlfriend has dumped him, with the possibility that sponsors will follow suit.

According to Brazilian paper "Extra", Maria Beatriz Antony, who lived with Ronaldo up to a few days ago, returned to her parents in Brasilia. Friends told the paper that she repeatedly complained about Ronaldo's type of nightlife in Brazil since the player's return because of an injured knee. So his latest escapade may only be the final straw that tipped the balance against him.

"Extra" claims that Nike is considering unilateral termination of his contract and a request for damages as provided in a clause. "We are still collecting information, there is nothing official yet" is what spokesperson David Grinberg said on behalf of Nike's brazil office. The contract that ties Ronaldo to Nike is lifelong and is worth in excess of 100 million dollars.

Losing your girlfriend and a $100 million sounds bad until you factor in that at least he figured out the hookers were men before they started having sex.  So really, he came out ahead here.

[Also: Deadspin, FanIQ] 

Red Sox Nation has once again lowered the bar for others to mock it more easily, as the new "Hot or Not?"-type website Sexy Sox Girls provides no shortage of female Red Sox fans making the most out of the iconic "B" logo and unbuttoned David Ortiz jerseys.

The Boston Herald, which one day aspires to suck as much as the New York Post or Daily News, had this to say about it:

A new Web site, sexySOXgirls.com, invites the women of Red Sox Nation to post playful soft-porn photos of themselves in Sox hats, shirts and other strategically placed paraphernalia.

I need to check, but I'm pretty sure "soft-porn" doesn't even mean anything.  It's just something the writer made up, and the editor must have looked at it and said, "Hmmm, soft-porn.  Sure, sounds good."  There's such a thing as "soft-core" porn, which is your typical Playboy magazine, or maybe late-night Skinemax.  But none of these chicks are baring their breasts, so that's clearly not what they meant.

Seriously, I was gonna make fun of this Kristy chick here, but now I just want to know what soft-porn is.  Would the videos I have of me and my stuffed animals be considered soft-porn?  I dunno, but Fluffy isn't nearly as soft as he used to be, that's for sure.

[Lion in Oil] 

Wizards loudmouth DeShawn Stevenson — he of the "I can't feel my face" gesture when his team is losing by 15 — was obviously unhappy with merely calling LeBron James overrated and playing defense with flagrant fouls against the best player in the Eastern Conference (also known as the "Rape-a-Bron" tactic).  None of those actions alienated the full 100% of casual fans glancing at the Cavs-Wiz series.

So yeah, showing up in a Michael Vick jersey should probably do it.

Whatever, he doesn't have any balls until he wears a Rae Carruth jersey.  Because only 98 or 99 percent of all people are against dogfighting.  You really need to come out in support of murdering pregnant girlfriends if you want to make sure people know you're a dick.

This faceplant video is somehow even more predictable than most faceplant videos, and perhaps that's why I find it even funnier.  There's just something really rewarding about a voice off-camera repeating the phrase, "Don't fall! Don't fall!" It really is the perfect cue for an embarrassing wipeout on concrete.  These chicks could teach graduate-level courses in comedy. 

And I would totally want to bang the professor.