Cardinals utility man Scott Spiezio, best known for his totally zany dyed-red goatee/soul patch that endeared him to thousands of dim-witted St. Louisans (not to mention hitting .215 and .064 for the Mariners in consecutive years), has been released in the wake of getting charged with six different crimes, including DUI, hit and run, and assault with a deadly weapon other than a firearm.

According to a release issued by the Orange County district attorney's office, Spiezio attempted to drive home after having "several vodka drinks" at a bar in Newport Beach, Calif. The release charges that Spiezio sped, veered across several lanes and through oncoming traffic before driving over a curb and hitting a fence.

Further, the release states that Spiezio is accused of fleeing the wreck on foot, running to his condominium complex in Irvine, Calif., and visiting a friend's home. From there, per the statement, Spiezio vomited in his friend's room, grew angry when confronted about doing so and attacked the friend.

Spiezio faces up to two years in the hoosegow, but assholes like Spiezio never go to prison.  He'll just get probation and counseling and then go wild with the $2.3 million owed on his contract this year, plus an extra 100 grand when the Cards buy out the rest of the contract.  So kids, remember: go ahead and drink and drive and beat up your friends.  You'll probably just get 2.4 million dollars and a yearlong vacation.