When I saw a DC Sports Bog post titled Elijah Dukes Tees Off, I was immediately excited. Shitcanned by the Rays after those unfortunate threatening to kill his wife and impregnating a 17-year-old foster child incidents, I couldn't help but wonder what Agent Steinz meant by Dukes "teeing off." Did Dukes lose his mind and yell at reporters? Did he beat his girlfriend with a seven-iron?
Nope, he was just at the driving range, where a chance encounter with the Post's videographer led to this four and a half minute exchange where Dukes comes off as strangely likable. He whiffs on a swing, sweats like Chris Berman, makes self-deprecating comments, and addresses "America" and "Golf Digest Edition Part I." And not once does he seem like he's about to attack anyone with the driver. He hardly seems like a monster at all.
Gosh, now I don't know what to believe in. If Elijah Dukes is a decent human being, anything's possible. All of my racist, sexist, and xenophobic [update: and religious] stereotypes may not be true. Heck, there might even be issues where shades of gray exist. Damn you, Dukes! You've destroyed everything I believe in!