No need to get cross

Hoping to avoid an embarrassing Tim Donaghy situation, Major League Baseball has been conducting thorough background checks of its umpires, hoping to ferret out any sort of deviant behavior that might prove damaging to the sport, like, say, gambling, hiring undocumented nannies, illegally downloading Interpol albums, or, you know, being a member of the KKK.

Umpires are livid that Major League Baseball has sent investigators to their hometowns, asking neighbors a series of questions that include whether the ump belongs to the Ku Klux Klan.

"We did not anticipate that they would approach neighbors posing as a close colleague and friend of the umpire's and asking them questions such as: Do you know if umpire `X' is a member of the Ku Klux Klan? Does he grow marijuana plants? Does he beat his wife? Have you seen the police at his home? Does he throw wild parties?" union spokesman Lamell McMorris said by telephone from India.

Fuck yes he is. And I'm pretty sure Umpire X throws a bitchin' party. He was born Umpire Robertoalomar, but in prison he read about the unspeakable terrors inflicted by minority ball players on his people and decided to rid his name of the mark of the oppressor. -Christmas Ape